Aug 13, 2007

war


In the hallway of my building, there's a small table. On the table is a battered old silk flower arrangement. Every morning when I walk out I see it. It's faded. It's matronly. It's dusty. The table below is littered with its crumbling remains.

I obsess about it a lot. (Welcome to my world. Sorry.)

Now as if this little nature morte wasn't pathetic enough, next to it, there's a dried up Reunzit deodorizer.

(By the way, in searching online for this photo, I found out quite a lot.
There seems to be a whole sick cottage industry of making costumes for Renuzit deodorizers. Did you know this? You can dress them up as everything from a witch... to a clown...to a festive rat, but the consensus is that even a festive rat is better looking than an naked Renuzit.)

Once, when I first invited guests over to see my new place, I foolishly moved the deodorizer to a cabinet in the back of the hall. I had to do something, but I was not brave enough to move the flower arrangement. I did dust it however.

I didn't thow the Renuzit away, mind you. I wasn't stupid enough to do that. I simply moved it 20 feet from where it had been before.

The next morning I found it right back where it had been before.

Inanimate things can't speak, obviously, but this deodorizer was speaking loud and clear in my crazy neighbor's voice.
"Don't fuck with the Renuzit, boy."

So I haven't....yet.

On my coffee table right now is a silk orchid plant. I bought it on sale today.
It looks nice.

My plan is to move the mangy old flower arrangement and its attendant Renuzit tomorrow morning, early, while she is gone, and put the new orchid plant there. This, of course, will require careful strategizing.

Please pray for my safety.

4 comments:

Miss Janey said...

Perhaps, if Jason crochets a nice cover for that dried up air freshener, he'll find it's presence much more agreeable.

thombeau said...

Wow.

mrpeenee said...

You better look out, baby. Ain't nothing worse than a crazylady neighbor with a vendetta.

I do like missjaney's idea about the crocheted cover. Always a nice touch.

Silly Monkey said...

I've seen that flower arrangement.

I've seen that Renuzit.

You have every right to obsess over it. I'd be worried if you didn't.

A silk orchid plant sounds like the perfect replacement. I wish I could be there to hear the howling. Are you sure she's the one who put it there?