Dec 31, 2013

A Random Compendium of How To (part 3)

Here are some of my goals for the year:

1. diet

2. Learn to lie

3. Learn to plan

4. Be more communicative

5.take charge of my own destiny

6.  be more hip, happening and now
7. make more friends
8.  exercise more

9. please him
10. write my autobiography

Dec 23, 2013

blonds have more fruitcake

In a pique of Christmas spirit, I decided to have a go at making a fruitcake (of all ungodly things).
I hate fruitcake (doesn't everyone?), so I figured, hey,
why not make one!?
What can I say, I'm perverse like that.

Needless to say, I'd never made one before, but I'd found a recipe that seemed to omit all the offensive elements (namely candied fruit)....and keep the elements I like (dried fruit and Bourbon).

 It was labeled "Blond Fruitcake":

It turned out pretty good, actually....for fruitcake.  Of course, reading the title, I couldn't help but envision something like this:
But, hey, enough whiskey will improve either, right?

Dec 20, 2013

Dear Santa...

here's my Christmas list (part 1)
Books: to learn about different cultures
"Big Dick": for playground fun

Big Jims

Candy canes
For my Big Jim to dress
To keep bitches off my Candy Cane

this just in!


Dec 15, 2013


Last night's theme was particularly artistic. We spent the first part of the evening at the Marigny Opera House (an atmospherically derelict old church) hearing the beautiful Vespers of 1610 by Monteverdi....   
....after which we retried to ever so tragique le Roundup, a musty old gay "cowboy" bar,  inhabited by the demi-monde  ( by which I mean tranny hookers, of course). I was too shy terrified of getting cut by a razor from a weave to take any photos of the lovely ladies there.  But I did snap a photo of this lovely work of art (drag amardillo?). Thanks to the lack of a door on the toilets, one could see (without trying) even more art: black tranny hookers in spandex peeing backwards. Performance art, baby.

Dec 7, 2013

oh, christmas tree

just trying to decide on this year's festive xmas theme.
Which do you all like?
cat lady
cher-y christmas

Dec 6, 2013

I Dream of Weeny

So what am I doing on this scintillating Friday night, you ask?

Never mind, I'm going to tell you anyway.

Somehow, I find myself sucked into a black hole of watching what seems like an endless loop of I Dream of Jeannie. How does this happen?

I don't think I've seen an episode of I Dream of Jeannie since I was ten.
Seems I haven't missed much.
Frankly, I never liked it nearly as much as Bewitched.
Witches trump Genies any day in my book.

The only thing that really interested me about it was Jeannie's bottle.

 But you knew that already, right?

(Oh, and apparently Jeannie is right on trend, since "Radiant Orchid" is Pantone's color of 1967 2013  )

Anyway, who pops up on the screen but "Amanda Bellows", Dr. Bellow's chic trophy wife... you remember, the one with frosted hair and frosted voice.
Love her.

I do a bit of research to find out that she is played by one "Emmaline Henry" who sadly died in 1979 at age 50.

What surprises me most, however, is that Dr. Bellows has a wife at all.
I mean really.

Now back when I was eating Ding Dongs after school, watching IDoJ in re-re-reruns, somehow it completely flew over my little head ....or maybe it wormed its way into my little psyche, I'm not sure which.....but it's clear to my adult ears that dear old Dr. Bellows is gay gay gay.
Did I mention he must be gay?

Sure enough, a cursory search of Wikipedia turns up this nugget:

"Rorke was "unashamedly gay", as Jeannie co-star Barbara Eden stated in her 2011 biography Jeannie Out of the Bottle. She commented that Rorke "and his partner, Justus Addiss, lived together for many years in Studio City, along with their menagerie of dogs." He and Addiss would often invite the cast over for parties.[1]  Eden described Hayden as a "prince" who was a good friend of all and always managed to keep up the spirits of the I Dream of Jeannie cast, often in difficult circumstances.[1]"


Nov 30, 2013

a tree...for me

So this Christmas, I decided to not put up Champagne Slim again.

Last year I festooned all 6 and a half champagne feet of him with 20,000 dollars worth of plastic dollar tree ornaments. It was like Christmas at Versailles here.
You know, the Versailles Trailer Park off of Interstate 10.

And no one even saw him.

Ah well.

This year I was too lazy to go up in the attic decided to go in a different direction:
no plastic at all. 
It's an all organic Xmas.

On a whim the other day, I bought a little tree from Whole Foods. 
She looked so cute.
After a bit of comparison shopping today, however, I realize now that WF had raped me....again.
But well, my tree is free range, right?
I'm sure it is.

Today I pulled out a few of the smaller vintage glass ornaments (especially the little clip on birds) I could find without going up into the attic....and dressed it up with battery lights that cost as much as the tree.  

For some reason my landlord doesn't want me lighting candles on the tree or something.
Since no one will probably see this tree either (ahem),
I took some bad cell phone photos.

Nov 26, 2013

Things I hate

washing the car
having my picture taken
Talking on the phone
Doing laundry

Cigarette Smoke

Nov 21, 2013

Actual things seen, actually

Sunday Food.  I guess after enough mimosas, anything will do, right?
I'd written about the ubiquity of these rear window stickers round these parts a while back, but ...uh...The Gun Family here takes it to a whole new level.  
Camo Wedding Favor Boxes....for the Camo Wedding of your Dreams (see above)
Why yes, it is Justin Bieber Duct Tape.  Now, where's that Gun Family when you need one?

Nov 20, 2013