Scary movie

http://dionne-warlock.tumblr.com/post/138116381087/chloesevigny1974-curism-white-people-are-so

Observation...

as John and I flip channels back and forth between The Meeting of the Courts to The Westminster Dog Show, realizing just how spookily similar they are.

From the Trailerparks of Middle Earth

Who needs to see "The Hobbit" in 3D when you can see this in on the truck ahead of you?

Btw, "Bye!" is totally Quenya for "Bitchin'"

Country Club Stumped

I'm wracking my brain over here trying to think of dish to fit Marshall's monthly potluck competition. The theme chosen was "Country Club Food."
 Huh?

Who voted for this??
 Oh yeah, I guess I did. But mainly because I just hoped to come dressed as, oh....Dina Merrill?
(More likely to look like Ina Garten)
Anyway, I wasn't thinking.

Fact is, I don't know nothing 'bout no Country Club. I've certainly never eaten at one.
What do white people eat anyway? It's all rather mysterious. Club sandwiches? Arnold Palmers?

So any of you classy sorts ever eaten with the country club set? I suspect you have. What do wasps serve in their natural habitat? What's waspy and cheap good?

Speaking of potluck competition, here are a few of my past attempts:

My "The Many Faces of Michael Jackson cupcakes"(chocolate frosted white cupcakes)... for the "Dish that reminds you of a celebrity" competition.  It was a very last minute addition to my Madonna "Like a Vegan" Lasagna.

From the "School Cafeteria" competition. I made creamed spinach.

Most recently, for the "Dish that reminds you of a song" theme:  a "Raspberry Torte"

Thought for the day

Louisiana: a still life

come as you are...

So....we're going on a trip to Seattle in a week or so.
Yeay!

Neither John nor I has ever been, so we're a bit clueless.

The chief attraction is that it's not hell on earth New Orleans in July.
Anything else, I figure, is gravy.

I've never been anyplace so far north, or so far west....or so far white.
I've been studiously studying what white people like to minimize the culture shock, but I'm not sure if that'll help.

Desperate for some help, I even posted an ad on the Seattle Craigslist.
Um...no, not like that. Jesus, you people have dirty minds.

Speaking of which, did you know that craigslist requires a phone number to make a post now? WTF
Very invasive. I'm sure I'll be bombarded with who knows what sort of crank phone calls now.

Thus far, no helpful Seattlite has responded to me, however.

I mean I expected at least one:

"Why don't you look on the internet, stupid bitch.
Do I look like the Chamber of Commerce?"

But not even.
ahem

So, any of you ever been up there?
What do you recommend, you know, after we've seen Starbucks?

new, from Chico's

thought for the day

via

adventures in iPhoning

This past weekend, having nothing better to do, I decided to take Michael up on his suggestion of a short road trip to our state's capital, scintillating Baton Rouge. I, one of the huddled iPhone-less masses, got a glimpse into the future. And the future is in iPhone.

It sure ain't in Louisiana.

I met up with him at the chief attraction of the city, The Mall of Louisiana (pictured above...ha.) He had driven in from Lafayette. We met up with his friend Todd, who lives there. The three of us had lunch at some very collegiate place near LSU where the entire crowd seemed fixated on the World Cup.

Michael used his iPhone "Vuvuzela app" (tm) to make some noise. Really, one day the iPhone will replace everything. It needs to replace the state capitol right now probably.

Not quite knowing what to do in Baton Rouge, we ended up at the Louisiana State Capitol. It seemed the patriotic thing to do....or something like that, right?

We all went up to the top. Michael asked me to take his picture up there with his miraculous iPhone. Todd and I refused to have our photos taken. He took them anyway.

None of us had been there (the state capitol) since grade school. I fondly remember an hour long trip on a greyhound when I was in 4th grade where I watched Colleen McDermott eat three successive boogers.
It was very educational.

I'm sure it was the first tall building I'd ever been in then. It is a beautiful building, beautiful art deco, at least the lobby and the chambers are, but Bobby Jindal or Edwin Edwards or whoever the hell our governor is nowadays really needs to do something about the embarrassing state of disrepair the rest of the place is in. I mean seriously, cardboard on the elevator floors? Is this state that brokedown? Never mind.

All in all, the place was rather disappointing. They've even covered the bullet holes from Huey Long's assassination with a big ugly case of Long memorabalia...zzzzzzzzz....what memorabilia is more interesting than a bullet hole??
Anyway, the case didn't prevent us from seeking them out and putting our fingers in them.


More interesting than the Capitol's interior was its parking lot. As we were leaving, I noticed a woman with a bouquet standing in behind a white truck. I half thought she was going to place it on Huey Long's tomb. Someone had already decorated it with a bouquet of red white and blue for the fourth. But then I noticed a bride (her daughter?) in the back of the truck, sitting uncomfortably in her gown.

"Hey, there's a gun in the truck," Michael notices.

Uh....we then left.

I couldn't invent a more perfect tableau to represent our fair state than this if I tried.


Later, still not knowing what to do, we took a trip to see Mike the Tiger, the sainted mascot of LSU. I'd never been. There was a tiger sleeping in the heat.
Very anticlimactic. Still, there were twice as many people there than at the capitol.

Again, this ought to tell you pretty much everything you'd ever need to know about this state.

We went back to Todd's house, where somehow or another ok, ok, so I suggested he do it Michael gave dramatic readings of Tonya Harding fan fiction porn from his IPhone. Yes, I'm afraid, you read that right.

There's no IPhone app for that....yet. I'm working on it.

I suggested we three each submit an entry. I haven't quite fleshed out my submission, but I know it would feature this sentence:
"Slowly she slid down her tight acid washed spandex ... even her glorious pubic bush was bleached blonde and crimped, with shellacked bangs...."


I still need to work on it a bit, but I'll get there.
oh, by the way, if you're a complete utter sicko wierdo (like Michael, not me, I swear, not me!) you can click here.

After having our appetites whetted by Tonya Harding porn, we went to dinner, (where we had home fried potato chips with blue cheese as an appetizer...very good) and I got a tour of Robin and Bryan's new home....a complete walk through by iPhone of the entire place, even the yard. It's only a matter of time that the iPhone replaces houses too, I'm sure.

After dinner, I followed Michael back to Lafayette. What else did I have to do, right?
After lunch we visited his father, his brother and sister in law, and their six children. Michael offered to send his brother some games for the IPhone. Everyone in Lafayette has an iPhone it seems. His brother declined the games. I'm guessing you don't have much time to play games on the phone when you have 6 children under 10. Go figure.

What they do need there is a contract from TLC. Seriously. They put those Gosselins in the shade.

Later we took a trip through one of Lafayette's posher neighborhoods listening to
Radio Polska Stacja Internetowe on the ubiquitous iPhone. The machine never ceases to amaze. How else would we drive through Cajun country listening to Polish disco? How did people deal in the past? The only word, however, I could understand was "EEtahloh DeeSco". Apparently Milli Vanilli is still popular in Warsaw, and is considered "Italo-disco" Who knew?

Then I drove home.

I had to stop three, count em three, times to pee. Leave it to me to drink a bottle of water and a large diet coke before getting on the road.

When iPhone creates an app to let you pee from your car, I'll get one.

voodoo drums (part 4)

Tonight, on my way to Whole Foods, I happened upon a whole bunch of white people dressed in white.
No, it wasn't a KKK rally, it was the annual St. John's Eve voodoo ceremony. I walked over and took a picture before the crowd came.
I didn't linger, since the double fudge cookies were calling, but I've been every other year I've lived here in the hood. Apparently, I live in a hotbed of voodoo tradition.

I quickly snapped this photo. (See, white white white)

I did not take this video, by the way...but it's nice to hear the drums.

me stalk pretty one day

Tonight I went to see David Sedaris with Carlos, Marshall and Jason. I've been a fan of his for years, but then I'm hardly alone there. His reading was just as funny as you'd expect, but relaxed. I don't think I'd ever seen quite so many white people in my life.

Anyway, I don't know if you're like me. God, I hope you aren't. But I sometimes get in my head an obsession. You know, after reading about something in a book, I'll have to see it, or even eat it. That's how you find yourself trying to bake madeleines at
1 a.m. Oh, not a good idea to try to craft makeshift madeleine pans out of used aluminum foil either, just so you know.


Anyway, after reading about Hugh, David's partner, over and over, I became obsessed with finding a photo of him. It was well nigh impossible, but I'm not one to shy away from a challenge....and a while back I finally succeeded. (see above)
It's pretty cute too, I think. Now I can put a face to the stories, not that it really mattered after all.

cute cute cute.

Found at towleroad

neo Brazzi

So I'm minding my own business, doing an innocent google search for "Rossano Brazzi naked" (thanks to the ever fabulous TJB of course)

when where do I find myself?

Nowhere else but an Aryan Nation website....

specifically the "Do you prefer younger men or older men?"
topic thread at the "Stormfront Ladies Only: Sugar and spice, and everything nice" bulletin board.
The ladies are all fired up over this one, it seems:

"Sweet Spirit" writes:

"I've always been drawn to older men and that still holds, though I now am "of a certain age" myself. I respect the wisdom and stability of an older gentleman and appreciate the patina of age, so to speak. :)
__________________
Your white race is you. It is unnatural not to love and be proud of it.

Remember the Alamo ~"

"Brunhilda" prefers men her own age, but has a boyfriend who's ten years her junior.

"Cartman" reviews a Tatum O'Neal film

"Buttercup" writes that it "just felt more right to date someone older. "

"White Camellia" writes:

"the 57 year old was from the Alto-Adige region of Italia (also known as the Sud Tirol). He was so handsome...he looked and sounded very much like the late actor, Rossano Brazzi! he is deceased now, he died 9 years ago. We remained good friends even after we parted ways."

Her lovely memory is followed by a poignant tribute to an "INNOCENT VICTIM OF BLACK SAVAGERY, 2009 (age: 2 month"

and a picture of a kitty cat.

It's all I can do not to create a profile myself, oh, something like "Aunt Pittypat69" and write an anecdote about the hot black janitor I met in the Sud Appalachians when I was just a young virgin white edelweiss of, oh, 12 or so, and the hot sex we had in the middle school cafeteria refrigerator.

Or something.

You see yourself here if you care dare

Crush Air

Every now and then, I find myself acting dangerously white. One of the hazards of being white is listening to NPR. Of course, I've developed some aural crushes while there:

Ira Glass and his girly voice make me all tingly.





(Seriously, could he be any cuter?)

Ari Shapiro is almost too hot for radio. Plus he has a husband, so I'd best step off.




And dear, dear Terry. Oh, how I wish I could have a gay marriage with her sometimes, just to hear her talk in bed.

drunken noodles and white weddings

I just got home from dinner with my newly married friends. I hadn't seen them since the wedding, which I realize I never described. It was very nice. The reception was at the zoo, of all places, in the swamp exhibit, so the guests from out of town (95 percent) could see nutria frolicking while eating steamed asparagus.

It really was quite lovely.

Of course, the crowd was very...ummm...white.

Here are a few random snatches of conversation I remember:

"Yes, the fellowship to Paris begins next month. I'm kind of dreading it."
"Barcelona is so overdone."
"Yeah, like when I was climbing in Montana I nearly backclipped. Dude, that was scary."
"Apple is totally back."
"She just moved to Park Slope, can you believe it? It's tragic."

The crowd was made up of the groom's and bride's undergrad friends from Yale, and their newly minted grad friends from Harvard.

Oh, and us.

Anyway, I hadn't seen them since the wedding, so it was nice to catch up. For some reason I didn't get the chance tonight...and didn't have the energy to mention that I'd been nearly killed on the night of the rehearsal dinner in a pretty horrible accident. It never seemed to come up. Instead we talked about their honeymoon and lots of work talk.
(to paraphrase from above) "Tragic."

I did manage to get them to go to our local Thai restaurant, since no one else will go with me. All the friends with whom I used to go have either moved away or don't like it anymore. I don't think I've won any converts, but they were good natured enough to indulge me. The best part of the night is that I got to have my old standard, drunken noodles, again for the first time in a year.

White People

I found this website:
Stuff White People Like
a while back, and every day I learn something new. It's so fascinating. I feel like Margaret Mead in Samoa or something.

Here's a random sampling:

#11 Asian Girls
#80 The Idea of Soccer
#1 Coffee
#44 Public Radio
#61 Bicycles
#8 Barack Obama
#63 Expensive Sandwiches
#62 Knowing what's best for poor people
#70 Difficult Breakups

A sweet Norwegian breeze

I'm here tonight listening to, as my friend Michael puts it, (quoting Erlend's newest band's name), "the whitest boy ever,"
Erlend Oye,
or as one of the interviewer I've read perfectly describes him, "the extravagantly bespectacled Erlend Oye."

I'm still too computer-skills illiterate to be able to post any of his music here. I wish I could.

But it's worth seeking out.

He's so soothing and innocently seductive.
I really can't see how anyone could listen to him and not fall a little bit in love with him.

Erlend Oye's official website

Wikipedia's bio