father's day eve

How am I spending this Saturday night you ask?
(So just pretend you did, ok?)

Why baking an apple pie (for my father)  

and watching  a documentary on Peter Berlin.




as always, John Waters has the best line about him: "It was like Dinah Shore with a hard on!"

Movie Review Haiku (part two)

Here are a few movies I've recently seen, randomly
reviewed:


American Hustle

1. review in haiku:

Disco wigs in love,
Abscam-era decolletage,
Somewhat kinda true.

2. best part:
Amy Adams....and her 70s cleavage.


3. worst part:
Loooong. 


4. cute boy report:
Dreamy Jack Huston
(I refuse to consider Bradley Cooper to be "sexy"....sorry.  Though his perm was FLAWLESS, I have to admit.  It deserves an Oscar)

5. final grade:
A-

_____________________________________________

August, Osage County

1. review in haiku:

Cancer/suicide
Dysfunction, Oklahoma.
Merylodrama.

2. best part:

Meryl Streep talking shit like a champ.

3. Worst part:

That whole stupid "forbidden southern gothic romance" with "a twist" nonsense.

4.cute boy report:
 Julia Roberts?
(Just kidding).

No, it's obviously Ewan McGregor, looking like the hottest English Professor ever, y'all.

(oh my god.  never have I wanted to be a pair of khakis in my life)


5. final grade:
B+

_____________________________________

Kill Your Darlings

1. review in haiku:

Ginsberg (with hair) meets
Gay Poets Society.
Boring "decadence"

2. best part:

Harry Potter's perm

3. Worst part:

zzzzzzzz

4.cute boy report:
 Little Daniel Radcliff is completely adorable.

5. final grade:

D


 _____________________________________________

The Wolf of Wall Street



1. review in haiku:

Coked up Gatsby
Jonah Hill masturbating.

Nobody needs that.

2. best part:

This scene:

3. Worst part:
See haiku ^

4.cute boy report:
none.


5. final grade:
C+

Four Movies Recently Seen

1. The Butler

a. Synopsis in Ten Words or Fewer:

Forrest Gump Goes to Washingon.  With Black People.
And Oprah.

b. Personal Anecdote:
You remember my birthday last year when we were right next door to the filming of a movie and I took those pictures!?  (just pretend, ok?)  Well, it turns out they were filming the scene in which the hateful white people are harassing the freedom riders at the lunch counter.
I mean, I was practically the star of the movie.

c. Best Part:
Drunk Oprah










d. Cute Boy Report:
Alex Pettyfer as the dreamiest white cracker rapist EVAH.

 

e. jason's final grade:
C-

_______________________________________
2. Populaire


a. Synopsis in Ten Words or Fewer:

The Most Glamorous French Typewriter Movie You'll See This Year!

b. Personal Anecdote:
Needless to say, at a late Sunday night showing of The French Typewriter movie in the suburbs, I was the one and only person in the theater.  I got up to pee 3 times without anyone making a comment.  Lovely!


c. Best Part:
The rhinestone cats-eye glasses of our heroine's nemesis, the undefeated typing champion of America.


d. Cute Boy Report:
the dashing Romain Duris....who should never open his mouth,
and always open his shirt.

e. jason's final grade:
A-

_______________________________________

3. Don Jon

a. Synopsis in 10 Words or Fewer:
The Jersey Shore Saturday Night Porn Fever...with Julianne Moore.

b. Personal Anecdote:
When the blueberry in John's pre-movie blueberry champagne cocktail turned out NOT to be candied, as was advertised. Scandal! Our world is built on terrible, terrible lies, I tell you. Terrible.

c. Best Part:
Julianne Moore (as always)

d. Cute Boy Report:
Um...the freshly pumped up Joseph Gordon Levitt

 Duh.

e. jason's final grade:
B

___________________________________________

4. Romeo and Juliet

a. Synopsis in 10 words or Fewer:
Really Pretty Teens Try to Bring Cliff's Notes to Life.

b. Personal Anecdote:
As Juliet killed herself, my contact suddenly popped out, falling into the black, nacho cheese-encrusted abyss of the theater floor.
I couldn't see a thing. Thankfully, I kinda know how it all ends.
So I left.

c. Best Part:
(see below)

d. Cute Boy Report:
One Douglas Booth....
who really should have been cast as Juliet.
Yes, he's that pretty.

e. jason's final grade:
C-

Much Ado About Nothing

I'm just back from taking my lonesome to see the newest (Josh Whedon's) version of Much Ado About Nothing.



The best way I can describe it is it's kind of like if Shakespeare had written
a Banana Republic ad

But anyway....it wasn't bad, but a bit contrived.. I did like the soundtrack a lot...and the actress playing Beatrice was very good, but....
 let's cut the crap...who cares.

This is about cute boys, dammit. (isn't it always?)



All the boys were cute in their own way, but this is about the one who caught my attention most
Claudio, as played by
one Mr. Fran Krantz, whose charms I'd been sadly ignorant before today.

Because I'm a perv curious, I shamelessly did a bit of googling in the theater during one of the many lulls in attention and found
this gif:

 And that, dear souls,  is all you need to know.

Let me look that up...

So, what did I do with my day off, you ask?

First I took my lonesome to lunch at our local Wendy's.
Hey, nothing but the best for me.

Mid-bite, I glanced up from my chicken sandwich to see the women of "The Talk" cackling down at me from both directions about "scrotum rejuvenation".
Yes, you read that right....I'm talking ball "ironing", ladies.

This, of course, led me to look it up.

Traumatized, I took myself to a matinee of a Danish rom-com called "Den skaldede frisør" (All You Need is Love). I'd never heard of it, but what the hell, right?

It was pretty enough and well acted....but I didn't much like it. 
Surely enough, my autopsy research yielded this very accurate review:

"So stale that the whole thing plays like a Scandinavian Tyler Perry movie."
Which actually makes it sound better than it was.

On the way home, I took a swing around to the library to return some books.
The librarian's farts pushed me out of the art section and into the direction of this one (below), so, of course, I picked it up too:

In it, he goes on and on about his son and his husband...so much that I gagged with jealousy
I can't help but be curious.  My research leads me to find his husband here:

wtf
Anyway.
What. Ever.
I just bet he's having to have his scrotum rejuvenated right
now, right?

thought for the day

via

thought for the day

via jonnodotcom

A Royal Affair

This weekend, I took in a matinee of a lovely Danish movie called En Kongelig Affære.
It's all about Danish history.

In Danish.



It was good enough. A compelling story with adequate acting. But I'll watch anything with a costume, so there I was.

 I was by far the youngest soul in the audience.

Their collective (audible) disapproval could be heard the first moment a subtitle came up.
  They had no clue. "Oh good god, I can't see all that!" the 80 year old harrumphed in front of me to her home health nurse. And then fumbled in her pocketbook for her glasses.
  "Why can't they just speak English?"
  Then her Jitterbug went off...and she answered it. (In English.)

A few seats to my right sat the Queen of Carnival, 1949 (or so I imagine),
She was holding court, kissing the cheeks of all those who recognized her.

She was a well coiffed patrician woman in a well made pantsuit...(complete with her Queen of Carnival pin)...and a well made nose. She had a very obvious, old school nose job, with tiny pinched, upturned nostrils. Perky, like Doris Day.

 Anyway, this is not a post about nose jobs...or old ladies...or movies.

It's about cute men. So let's get to the point, shall we?

This is Madds Mikkelsen.
He's Danish.
He plays the Rousseauian doctor with whom the queen has her affair.
Did I mention he's hot?

Of course, once home, I promptly googled up pictures of him shirtless...and old school nose jobs.
I'll spare you the latter.
Voila! (or however you say that in Danish)

You're welcome.

Ten reasons I left Les Miserables early:

1. The fact that this was *not* the poster.

2. The fact that for 2 hours or more, no sign of Hugh Jackman's penis.
None!

3. The "singing"

4. The fact that I hadn't really wanted to see it in the first place, just the costumes, and Hugh Jackman's penis...in a costume.

5. The 60 something couple behind me who kept talking: ("Oh my god...listen honey, that's that song by Susan Boyle!")

6. Betsy, the 90 year old immaculately dressed hunchback sitting next to me, (with what I hope is Tourette's), who screamed bloody murder at the top of her lungs during the trailers.
Three times: Loud.

7. The indignant "theatre" gays who lisped out an angry "Will you PLEASE be quiet!" at Betsy.
Thee times: Loud.

8. The fact that I had to pee.

9. Betsy's  70 something friends who yelled. "Shut up Betsy, you're acting like an asshole!" To which Betsy responded "I don't give a shit!" and then veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery sloooooooowly hobbled her way out of the theater in a huff.

10. The acrid smell of burning plastic.  "You smell that? What's on fire?" 

From the Trailerparks of Middle Earth

Who needs to see "The Hobbit" in 3D when you can see this in on the truck ahead of you?

Btw, "Bye!" is totally Quenya for "Bitchin'"

Watch and learn

Thought for the day

Programming note:
I just happened to find a butt-load of comments that were "awaiting" approval. 
I had no idea!
I guess when I changed the comment settings to keep our relentless Chinese Internet Overloards from spamming me
to death (and others...sorry dear Norma!) I must have changed some setting or another. 
Sorry :(
But most importantly thank you all!

retro active cinema

maybe this would have even been good.

www.sissydude.com

It's mah Birfday

So to celebrate my birthday, John graciously brought me to dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant. Lo and behold, when we got there we ran into the ubiquitous film shoot. Trailers everywhere. It really is Hollywood South down here, y'all!

We thought the place might not be open, but thankfully it was. After dinner my nosey self had to investigate. Of course.

They'd converted the store next door into a replica of a Woolworth's from the mid 50s it seems. Very cool. The extras were milling about dressed in period garb.

Boyscouts with confederate flags!   They didn't seem to like that I was taking pictures. I was gently reprimanded by one of the crew. Whatever. How often are you going to get the chance to photograph boyscouts with confederate flags?! 

Ok, good point.

Afterward, we went over to the Creole Creamery for ice cream. It used to be a McKenzie's bakery. This will mean nothing to you non New Orleanians, but it holds a special place in our hearts. I love that they kept the old sign.

.

The Green fairy beckoned...Absinthe and Valrohna chocolate with candied orange peel Sounds like an episode of "Chopped" doesn't it?

Once upon a time, Rosemary Peach probably worked at McKenzie's, right? She was the one with the henna rinse bouffant, and the slight facial hair, remember?  Well, I like to think so. The Summer Ale with Citrus and Coriander sounded interesting, but I didn't get it.

Instead I got the "Oaxaca Chocolate" (with mezcal, allegedly) instead.  John got the White peach with St. Germain and a scoop of the Green Fairy, which was surprisingly good.

thought for the day

via

New Years in....October

Last night, as I lay in a dead silent room (because the AC had finally given up the ghost) sometime around 9 pm or so....I heard a loud "bang!"
Someone being shot? Could be.

But then it came again and again and again...until I lost count.
I figured, unless it was a line of Uzis, probably not a gun.
(but you never know)

Finally rousing myself to the window I looked out and saw a beautiful display of fireworks, as if it were new years eve.

In...uh...October.

Finally it ended with an orgasm of fire and smoke,
and I went to bed and forgot about it.

This afternoon a friend mentioned on facebook that she'd seen it too.
She wrote that she'd heard it was part of GI JOE that's been filming in the neighborhood.
Makes sense.

Anyway, I'm sure it's the scene when Channing Tatum and The Rock have a long, lingering new years eve kiss before leaving for war, right?

Answer

surprised?

backlot backyard

On the way home last night, I noticed a fleet of big trucks and bright lights not far from my apartment. Immediately, I could tell it was a film crew.
It's a pretty common sight around here nowadays.
They've filmed three times in my little neighborhood, that I know of. Because I'm a curious sort nosy bastard
I convinced John to take a walk with me to get a better look. I hoped to catch sight of a celebrity in its own habitat again.
Unfortunately, all I got were these very bad photos.

Here's the inside of one of the trucks, used as a wardrobe room I think.

On the side of the house in which they were filming, they'd put up black out material with very bright lights inside of them, to simulate daylight I suppose.
When they filmed at the house across the street from me a few years ago, they'd actually built a two story backdrop outside of the kitchen window, with a painting on it.
This seemed much simpler than that.

In the car port was parked a small car sized air conditioning unit to pump cool air into the house.

(Dear Santa,
What I want for Christmas---a super high powered sub-arctic portable air conditioner the size of a Volkswagen.
Thank you.
Love,
jason)

I was too shy to ask what the movie being filmed was, but John chivalrously asked for me. Turns out it is the new "21 Jump St." movie!

(yeah, me neither)


Alas, we didn't hang around long enough to see Channing Tatum or Johnny Depp or Ice Cube... or anyone else of note.
(insert gratuitous picture of shirtless Channing Tatum to distract readers from poor photography skills here)

I passed by the house again this afternoon, but it was all gone already, like a mirage.
Poof.
No celebrities at all. Not a one. No one at all.
Though that one lady waiting on the streetcar did look suspiciously like Johnny Depp as played by Keith Richards.

spelunking

I just spent two hours in a cave, hunched up in the dark, my arm wedged uncomfortably against the wall, a freezing wind blowing on my face.

I knew I should have remembered to bring a jacket to the theater.

Anyway, it's not just any cave, but the Chauvet cave, the site of some of oldest cave paintings in the world. Werner Herzog (he of the fabulous voice)'s film.

"A 3-D Documentary?"
I heard a guy sniff to his friend trying to encourage him to see it. "You have to be kidding."

Not an unreasonable thought, but it was totally worth it.
You should see it if you have the chance.




The place is utterly spellbinding. The cave itself, even without the paintings is like a fairyland of calcite. It's gorgeous. And then there are the drawings.

The way the cave artists managed to draw so beautifully and elegantly, the horses, the bison, the mammoths, and especially the lions is fascinating.

And to think that the place had been sealed up for 30,000 years or so, with nothing to disturb it, until 15 or so years ago. It's a terrible cliche, but it truly is like stepping into another time for a few hours.

Bill Cunningham N.O.

So I saw this film, Bill Cunningham NY, this weekend at the film fest.
It was so wonderful.

I was nestled between a pair of librarian types, with matching pewter bobs, sensible shoes and Sally Jesse Raphael glasses...a cadre of stylish young girls a la Zooey Deschanel...and a pair of male models one blond, one looking like a young 70s porn star.

Anyway, the point is Bill.
He's such an inspiration, such a joyful guy, it's hard not to be completely
charmed by him.
I heartily recommend it.