come as you are...

So....we're going on a trip to Seattle in a week or so.
Yeay!

Neither John nor I has ever been, so we're a bit clueless.

The chief attraction is that it's not hell on earth New Orleans in July.
Anything else, I figure, is gravy.

I've never been anyplace so far north, or so far west....or so far white.
I've been studiously studying what white people like to minimize the culture shock, but I'm not sure if that'll help.

Desperate for some help, I even posted an ad on the Seattle Craigslist.
Um...no, not like that. Jesus, you people have dirty minds.

Speaking of which, did you know that craigslist requires a phone number to make a post now? WTF
Very invasive. I'm sure I'll be bombarded with who knows what sort of crank phone calls now.

Thus far, no helpful Seattlite has responded to me, however.

I mean I expected at least one:

"Why don't you look on the internet, stupid bitch.
Do I look like the Chamber of Commerce?"

But not even.
ahem

So, any of you ever been up there?
What do you recommend, you know, after we've seen Starbucks?

pre craigslist

so, which fella has you licking a stamp?
via

from that neverending font of romance,

n.o.craigslist
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Orleans Parish Jail Monday Night - m4m - 27 (New Orleans)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2011-03-09, 1:24PM CST
Reply To This Post

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was there for public drunkenness...looking for some of the other guys that were there. Some of you (especially the coal miner from Mississippi) were really hot.

Probably the trashiest missed connection out there--but whatever.

Location: New Orleans

All Saints Day (or reason to love {?} New Orleans #225)

From Craigslist's notorious Missed Connections :

To The Sexy Gentleman in the Cemetery Today - m4m - 32 (St. Louis Cemetery
#1)

-------------------------------------------------------------


We made eye contact a few times while walking around the cemetery.
You were taking pictures of a family member at Marie Laveau's tomb. You are a
very sexy gentleman. I should have said something, but didn't want to intrude on
family time. Send me a message if you happen to come across this...


•Location: St. Louis Cemetery #1

--------------------------------------------------------------


Too bad he could work in a praline or something in there too, huh?

"sensual dishes"

http://neworleans.craigslist.org/msr/1609023408.html

erotic cooking classes - mw4mw - 27 (4705 Freret Street)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2010-02-19, 8:22PM CST
Reply To This Post
-------------------------------------------------------------
erotic cooking classes features a male and a female instructor, wearing only a cooking apron. sensual dishes will be offered. exploration is encouraged.

Location: 4705 Freret Street
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

So almost every word in this cracked me up---from the premise, to the category ("misc. romance") to the address.

Anyway, what's a "sensual dish"? God, I hope it's bacon.

missed connections

Found this by way of towleroad. They're from Missed Connections. It's
the site of an artist, Sophie Blackall, who illustrates Craigslist Missed Connections ads (always my favorites) ever so winsomely.

Monday, March 23, 2009
-m4w (Harlem)
Remember? Uptown A train. Sunday at around 9pm. I was the black dude reading Bukowski's Post Office. You were reading the Arts and Leisure section. You passed wind rather loudly and started chuckling. I'd like to see you again. The flatulence wasn't a turn-off.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009
- w4m - 23 (Hoboken, NJT station)
I just wanted to say thank you for offering to help carry my little orangey/pink suitcase. It really meant a lot because I was having a really terrible day.
-Half asian girl in the green shirt

Saturday, September 5, 2009

- m4m - 29 (astoria)
we were both swimming around 5-6 in astoria pool. we ended up walking the same direction in the park for a while but didn't talk. i wish i had said hi...so i figured i would on here.
worth a shot.

________________________________________

I shudder to think what she'd do with some of the gems I've found there. There aren't enough colored pencils in the world to depict some things.

a few craigslist prince charmings

reprinted as a public service:

Older Well Finished Weekend Tranny Seeking Mr. Perfect! - t4m - 50 (New Orleans)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-1044429051@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-02-21, 1:03PM CST

Dear Mr. Perfect,

I'm an older disease free feminine tranny looking for a LTR with someone who is comfortable with themselves, the life style, and the fact that I'm not yet a 24/7 gurl. Do know that your height, weight, color, past life, etc. is not a problem. However, you must be discreet, close to my age or hopefully older, and always honest with me, and there will be a test at the end! If you're married that's not a problem either as I am willing to work around the wife's busy schedule provided you have a good reason!

Should you pass the test your reward will be a date with me. A first date with me will be an invitation to join me at my place where I will typically spend about four hours getting dolled up, just for you. You will walk into my little doll house having your senses arroused by the smell of my White Diamonds purfume, which can be optional if you're married. Low volume romantic music will be playing in the background with a few soft candles glowing as well. I will have properly decantered a good bottle of wine prior to your arrival, and may also have a few orderves laid out, should you work up an appetite! I will answer your knock at the door completely decked out in one of my sexiest little outfits whereby you may just want to give me a big hug right there to sort of break the ice, your call, Mr. Perfect.

Now, here's your test, it's a yes or no exam.

(1) I'll write her to ask for more pics.
(2) I'll ask her to put me on her instant messenger.
(3) I'll write to get her number so I can jack off under the desk while listening to her feminine voice.
(4) I'm going to meet her, fuck her brains out, and then leave as soon as possible.
(5) If I set a date, get cold feet and change my mind, I can always tell her the car wouldn't start.
(6) I'll drop her a one liner like, "Baby, you're hot, let's hook up"!
(7) I'm going to write to ask her what color panties she's wearing today.

Gentlemen, today you will grade your own exams. If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions I'm so sorry, but it looks like you have flunked the test! Perhaps you should do a bit more studying, and then try again later. Now, if you passed, kisses to you, and please feel free to now contact me.

Also know that I do have many more pics that I would never refuse to share with you, Mr. Perfect, and will always be willing to share my most intimate secrets with you as well. I'm also not opposed to having phone sex with you when time constraints so require, but this will all take place at some point after we've had our first date if that's okay with you.

I'll be awaiting your reply.

P.S. Please also know I am a gal who pays her own way, but don't have the time to baby sit newcomers, cyber junkies, or anyone who wishes to deplete me of personal information while delivering none of their own. I am truly not difficult, but here in this forum I suppose I have to be a bit of a bitch to protect what one day could belong to you! Kisses...

"missed connection" indeed.

I couldn't even make something like this up if I tried:

If you are this man...... - w4m (New Orleans)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-847319901@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-09-19, 2:44PM CDT

or have seen this man please contact me.
I have a great suspicion that he is my soul mate and that we will be happy forever after.....

I made him on my computer so this may be a long shot, but I know in my heart that this could become a reality.

with her sanity

I admire his frankness and openmindedness...

From the "Strictly Platonic" section by the way.

Woman with Hair - m4w (new orleans)

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-845379285@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-09-18, 6:59AM CDT

I'm looking for hairy woman, young girls, middle aged girls and older are a turn on too. Want to talk mostly, have always liked it. Hairy legs are nice, however armpits is really what gets me going. I am in no way saying that woman should not shave, but the ones that don't, do have my attention. I like them and I like being with them.

Be sure to note that if you want to shave, there's nothing wrong with that to him.
No sirree.

The path of true love is never smooth...

From today's Craigslist's Missed Connections:

Corner Pocket - 25 (French Quarter)

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-814327822@craigslist.org [m4m]
Date: 2008-08-26, 4:53PM CDT

A few weeks ago you were dancing on the bar and I tipped you $20. Had a call on my cell had to leave in a hurry came back late you were gone not many people there. They called you Josh from what I understand. Be back in two weeks and hope to stop in. Please email me if you can.

Location: French Quarter

something I don't need

Browsing aimlessly on craigslist, after ad after ad of mind numbingly banal furniture, I found this ad and suddenly developed a fit of object lust.
As you can see, it's an old card catalog, and beautifully made too. And reasonably priced.

Of course, I have absolutely no room for such a thing, or purpose.
I'm just hard wired to want it. I can't help it.

I only hope it will fall into deserving hands.

"the beautiful mothers of new orleans..."

I saw this craigslist post a few days ago, and saved it. It fascinated me, as it was both creepy...and beautiful...and, well, ok, kind of hot too.
I'm just saying, if I were a beautiful mother of New Orleans, I'd be all up on this, creepy or not.
There, I said it.
I just enjoyed his writing, that's all.

The Beautiful Mothers of New Orleans - m4w (Uptown)

---------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-729256164@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-23, 2:15AM CDT
Missed Connection:

We see you leaving the specialty grocery store wearing workout shorts. We wonder what the material would feel like between a pinched finger and thumb. You have a 5k t-shirt and an expensive purse. We wish we could see where your careful tan turns pale.

This is how it will work. We will see you poring over the selection of dark chocolate in the second aisle of the store.

"That's good," we'll say.
"Is it?"
"Delicious."

We will talk. You'll hold out your taut arms as you gesture, each word another chance to display your personally trained body and layered hair. We listen to your slightly raspy voice, which sounds like wisdom or at least experience. We listen and watch your loose gold watch dangle on your wrist.

"Do you need a ride home?" you'll ask.
"Yes," we'll say, though we live next to the grocery, or behind it, or are proud owners of a 1997 Volvo. The car would stay in the lot.

We help you pile all the groceries in the back of your SUV. Baguettes protrude lewdly from paper bags. The milk is skim and we'll touch your forearm when we nestle it behind the salmon and organic bagels.

"You should have lunch with me," you'll say.
"OK," we will reply.

And then, suddenly, we'll be out of the SUV and in your strange house, our arms filled with bags. We'll look around and see the art preening on your walls, the vases evaporating water, and the little signs that a whole family lives here: a stray video game controller; two dropped corn chips; the benevolent face of your husband staring from the mantle.

"Would you like a drink?" you'll ask.
"It's 12 noon."

You'll pour red wine into expensive glasses, and as it flows we press you against your marble counter, hands on the edge of a cool electric range. Your gym shorts are in between our fingers and they feel like shoelaces and satin. Your hair smells like citrus shampoo and your kisses taste like healthy fruits.

We won't go to the bed because this won't be about simple blasphemies or betrayals. We stay there in the kitchen, and when we look down at you we'll notice that the tile was a custom job. The tile will squeak when you twist your body but we will both stay silent.

When it's over, we'll ask you for a ride back to the grocery. We'll sit in the front seat and notice, for the first time, the child's soccer schedule on the dashboard.

"What position do they play?" we'll ask.

You won't answer, and that will make us happy. You'll drop us off at the grocery, our hands shoved in our pockets, waiting in the heat until our own sweat will wash off yours.

It won't be until you're gone that we'll realize you took our groceries.

Occasionally, I'll run into a craigslist's "missed connection" that makes me laugh. (Ok, often). Here's one:

Hi "H",
I just wanted to say you are one handsome African American man and a heck of a nice person. A pretty darn good waiter too. I am bi and rarely meet a man I'd like to get to know. Id be happy just knowing you because somehow I doubt you ever look at men in any other capacity but friends. On the off chance you see this and want to connect, no strings, just coffee and chat maybe or whatever please hit me back.

This one manages to be...at the same time...banal, offensive, pathetic, kind of creepy and hilarious.

purely platonic friendly housewife wrestling

Here's an ad in our local craigslist's "purely platonic" section which fascinates me on so many levels. Its simplicity is its elegance.

------------------------------------------------
Housewife seeks wrestling partner - mw4w - 51

-----------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-615844528@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-23, 12:49PM CDT

Married 51 y/o athletic woman looking for another woman around the same age who would be interested in meeting occasionally for a friendly wrestling match.

Location: New Orleans

Craigslist wrongness

I don't think I can even enumerate all that is wrong with
this missed connection post.
But let's just start with "Harahan."

----------------------------------------------------

LOOKING FOR THE HARAHAN WIZARD OF OZ COLLECTOR - 38
----------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-579921682@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-19, 7:53PM CST

You and I hooked up a few times last year and seeing if your still around. Me, white, 38, brown hair, trimmed beard, tall, 7", thick, cut. Hit me back if your still in town.

Location: YOUR PLACE

random craigslist whimsy

I really can't see what girl wouldn't be charmed by this...and a 22 year old who uses the word "alas!"
Too cute for words.

Waffle House - m4w - 22

--------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-483426537@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-19, 9:13AM CST

So I have a slightly strange hobby. Basically I like to travel to various Waffle Houses and review them. I used to have a partner in these adventures, but alas I no longer do. If you are interested in accompanying me on my adventures drop me an e-mail.

Location: Northshore

idle wondering...

Today, perusing our local Craigslist's Missed Connections, I stumbled upon this post.
It hit a chord because I know I could have written just the same thing when I was 25 myself, right down to the histrionics.
(Ok, ok, who am I kidding, I could have written it myself yesterday, with even more histrionics...well, almost):

opportunity - m4m - 25
Reply to: pers-442254448@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-07, 1:10AM
I must be ugly.

This is the thought that immediately runs through my head at 12:43am on a Saturday night (or is it Sunday morning?) as I sit on my couch with my laptop and a soundtrack consisting of...well...what most would call a lesson in depression.
So, I must be ugly.
Or is New Orleans ugly?
I think it has the potential to be. I've lived here for two years and, despite all my best efforts, I come up empty handed every time. That's not to say I haven't dated people here; sure, I've done that. It's simply that the results have been less than appealing.

I learned in college that there are three types of guys: 1) the guy who expects a blow job on the first date and gets it (this will not be a long-term arrangement); the guy who expects a blow job on the first date and doesn't get it (this one probably won't work either); and 3) the guy who doesn't expect a blow job on the first date, but would still really really like one. He's also the guy who wouldn't push the issue unless it's been made clear that the other party involved thought that this particular number 3 was actually a number 1 (this has the most potential for a long-term arrangement).

As the third type of guy, I feel like a fish out of water in this here city.

So, more likely than not I'm an ugly prude who should give up this game and, in finding a life of fulfillment practicing the art of solitude, enjoy my job ringing the bells at St. Louis.

Some might say there is a lesson of fortitude in all of this. I, however, am not one of those people. The wall of my constitution is crumbling steadily and, looking up to meet the gaze of a handsome stranger, I lack the confidence to begin a conversation. I look away and find myself the king of missed opportunities.

Tonight, I see some smart ass has written him a reply (why not send it to him directly I don't know):

re: opportunity - m4m - 25 - m4m - 35

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-442876415@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-07, 8:44PM CDT

Well if you stopped behaving like a straight girl you might be happier. Why the hell are gay men adopting 'values' that were only meant to suppress women? WTF? Blow job on 'the first date'? Are you for real? Why would you go out with someone you didn't want to sleep with? Suit yourself, though ...

Now I think 35 year old here has a point in there somewhere...but then again, I don't know.

I was all set to write a response to them both, but instead I had some ice cream.

The thing is, this 35 y.o. seems to assume that all gay men (or all straight women for that matter) are the same. I don't think they are.

I've always envied those straight men, those gay men...and yes, those straight women (and I do know a few) who can enjoy casual sex.

Way back when, I tried it, very briefly. Didn't work for me...not at all.
I wish it had. So this boy and I and (surprisingly a number of straight men too I've met) trudge out here alone it seems.

But the 35 year old makes me think again...are this boy and I holding on to a demented heterosexual stereotype that is "designed to suppress women"? I've actually heard this argument before....
or is it that some people, gay, straight, male, female, whatever, are just not built for casual sex?
I don't know.

from the creepy department of Craigslist

Prgenant Woman at Saturday "Underdog" Movie - m4w

-----------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-400590181@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-19, 7:36AM CDT

HI I hope you are a "Missed Connections" reader. You are in the mid to late 2nd tri-mester of pregnancy, and are "drop dead beautiful", heart stopping "pretty".
I looked to see if you were wearing any type of "ring" and you were'nt.

We briefly had eye contact and a little smile exchanged between us, you were with a sister or your very young looking mother and a child. I was with my daughter.

I am single and hope you are too. Dinner, coffee, or anything you want for a "get to know each other" type of meeting.

I hope Cupid is working on this, lol.

Location: Kenner

----------------------------------------


The whole "Prgenant" fetish thing is crazy enough, but don't even get me started on the use of quotation marks.

craigslist's meet cutes

Now this (from our local craigslist's "missed connections" section) is what I'd call a total "meet cute"

Vomit in the Park - m4w - 25

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-387084391@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-01, 3:51PM CDT

I was running in the park and pushed myself a little too hard. I threw up my lunch in front of you, and by the look on your face, it probably ruined your workout...maybe even your day. My bad. I said, “Don’t worry...it was just a banana...I’ve got a bunch of them at home.” I don’t think you got the joke. If you figured it out on your run or your ride home, drop me a line and I’ll make it up to you.

Adorable.