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Eight easy steps to losing weight and getting free food

 Brought to you by today's lunch:

1. Order something light, like grilled chicken sandwich
2. Split it with your dining companion.
3. Get distracted from eating by the hot guy across the bar, in the too tight shirt.
4. Remove any cheese or bacon or mayonnaise (from sandwich, not guy)
5. Find a hair on bun, (on sandwich, not guy), a short and red hair
6. Put sandwich down.
7. Stop eating completely as lady in Lexus crashes into dining room because she overshot the parking lot.
8. Get meal free!  (No, I won't be needing a to go box, thanks)

A piece of advice

Ever order something just because of the name?

Because it sounds like a whimsical fairy tale character?

Don't.


Here's my Tôm Mayonnaise.

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"Simply Elegant"

Today, while wandering aimlessly in the library on a lovely afternoon, I came across a little tome that hadn't been checked out since Nixon was in the White House.

"Simply Elegant" by one "Pearl Gordon" How could I not be sucked in by such a seductive cover?

And of course  a busy career woman bachelor, the Milwaukee Sentinel's review caught my eye.

 Pearl's timely reminder: "Times have changed, and we no longer have maids or just the housewife cooking."
You got that right, Pearl.

 

Flipping the pages, I happened upon Pearl's elegant recipe for Gefilte Fish and Tuna Fish Salad

And, if that's not elegant enough for you, here's Pearl's recipe for Lobster Thermidor ("Thermidor" is French for "Single Career Gal" in case you didn't know)

The forward written from the Kansas First Lady Mrs. Robert B. Docking, a close personal friend of Pearl's
(not to name drop or anything)

And if this here ain't elegant enough for you, I don't know what is, baby.

on the menu

A Very Fanny Christmas

"Mincemeat, The Cinderella of Christmas Cooking."
I'm promptly incorporating "dour little things" and "lashings of mincemeat" into my vocabulary as soon as I see the opportunity.


I love how she has "Sarah, my dear Sarah" in a housecoat, while she is in full drag. 
Role model.

Nothing could be Ina....

So, being home in the early afternoons for the past few weeks, I've been able to see lots of "The  Barefoot Contessa".  

Is it wrong that I want to be Ina Garten? 

I mean really----all day cooking delicious food, wearing giant denim shirts..... hobnobbing with hot gay men, amidst hydrangeas in the Hamptons??? 

(To paraphrase Ina), how great is that? 

Speaking of which, the other day, I happened to catch the episode when, her friend, T. R., shows up to learn how to make love to me a steak dinner. You know the one?
 Good heavens.

I'd be more than happy to show him the "good vanilla."
That's all I'm saying.

father's day eve

How am I spending this Saturday night you ask?
(So just pretend you did, ok?)

Why baking an apple pie (for my father)  

and watching  a documentary on Peter Berlin.




as always, John Waters has the best line about him: "It was like Dinah Shore with a hard on!"

thought for the day

via

check, please.

Such a lovely way to end a meal.

(pen handed to me with the bill the other day)

The tacos were delicious.

thought for the day...

blonds have more fruitcake

In a pique of Christmas spirit, I decided to have a go at making a fruitcake (of all ungodly things).
I hate fruitcake (doesn't everyone?), so I figured, hey,
why not make one!?
What can I say, I'm perverse like that.

Needless to say, I'd never made one before, but I'd found a recipe that seemed to omit all the offensive elements (namely candied fruit)....and keep the elements I like (dried fruit and Bourbon).

 It was labeled "Blond Fruitcake":

It turned out pretty good, actually....for fruitcake.  Of course, reading the title, I couldn't help but envision something like this:

But, hey, enough whiskey will improve either, right?

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Naughty Tomato

Today, while perusing the aisles of our local Indian Market, I happened upon these and had to buy them.

I mean what kind of freak sees Naughty Tomato snacks and doesn't buy them? No one I want to know, that's who.


They don't taste all that great actually, but, really, who cares?

Important Information for a Better Life

fig. 1

fig.2

fig. 3

fig. 4

fig. 5.

fig. 6.

fig. 7.

fig. 8.

All I can think about lately....

Because of my damned diet.

grr

just doing some grocery shopping....

Doritos and Cognac.
You know, typical Monday night.

Three Random Food Posts Intriguing Me Now...

1.


 Here's  a lady who says that thinking about Popeye's Chicken helps her achieve orgasm.
Preach, sister. Preach.

2.From my new favorite nonporn tumblr
thugkitchen

3.  

An exciting example of "contemporary" cooking from 1973. 

Let's see those cowards on Chopped top this.

the cookie graveyard

Here are the (super gay) cookies I had baked for Easter.... which I'm about to toss in the trash...uneaten.

They tasted pretty great when I first made them,  but after three days on the counter the "sour cream frosting" has begun to taste like gin.