Jul 5, 2010

adventures in iPhoning

This past weekend, having nothing better to do, I decided to take Michael up on his suggestion of a short road trip to our state's capital, scintillating Baton Rouge. I, one of the huddled iPhone-less masses, got a glimpse into the future. And the future is in iPhone.

It sure ain't in Louisiana.

I met up with him at the chief attraction of the city, The Mall of Louisiana (pictured above...ha.) He had driven in from Lafayette. We met up with his friend Todd, who lives there. The three of us had lunch at some very collegiate place near LSU where the entire crowd seemed fixated on the World Cup.

Michael used his iPhone "Vuvuzela app" (tm) to make some noise. Really, one day the iPhone will replace everything. It needs to replace the state capitol right now probably.

Not quite knowing what to do in Baton Rouge, we ended up at the Louisiana State Capitol. It seemed the patriotic thing to do....or something like that, right?

We all went up to the top. Michael asked me to take his picture up there with his miraculous iPhone. Todd and I refused to have our photos taken. He took them anyway.

None of us had been there (the state capitol) since grade school. I fondly remember an hour long trip on a greyhound when I was in 4th grade where I watched Colleen McDermott eat three successive boogers.
It was very educational.

I'm sure it was the first tall building I'd ever been in then. It is a beautiful building, beautiful art deco, at least the lobby and the chambers are, but Bobby Jindal or Edwin Edwards or whoever the hell our governor is nowadays really needs to do something about the embarrassing state of disrepair the rest of the place is in. I mean seriously, cardboard on the elevator floors? Is this state that brokedown? Never mind.

All in all, the place was rather disappointing. They've even covered the bullet holes from Huey Long's assassination with a big ugly case of Long memorabalia...zzzzzzzzz....what memorabilia is more interesting than a bullet hole??
Anyway, the case didn't prevent us from seeking them out and putting our fingers in them.

More interesting than the Capitol's interior was its parking lot. As we were leaving, I noticed a woman with a bouquet standing in behind a white truck. I half thought she was going to place it on Huey Long's tomb. Someone had already decorated it with a bouquet of red white and blue for the fourth. But then I noticed a bride (her daughter?) in the back of the truck, sitting uncomfortably in her gown.

"Hey, there's a gun in the truck," Michael notices.

Uh....we then left.

I couldn't invent a more perfect tableau to represent our fair state than this if I tried.

Later, still not knowing what to do, we took a trip to see Mike the Tiger, the sainted mascot of LSU. I'd never been. There was a tiger sleeping in the heat.
Very anticlimactic. Still, there were twice as many people there than at the capitol.

Again, this ought to tell you pretty much everything you'd ever need to know about this state.

We went back to Todd's house, where somehow or another ok, ok, so I suggested he do it Michael gave dramatic readings of Tonya Harding fan fiction porn from his IPhone. Yes, I'm afraid, you read that right.

There's no IPhone app for that....yet. I'm working on it.

I suggested we three each submit an entry. I haven't quite fleshed out my submission, but I know it would feature this sentence:
"Slowly she slid down her tight acid washed spandex ... even her glorious pubic bush was bleached blonde and crimped, with shellacked bangs...."

I still need to work on it a bit, but I'll get there.
oh, by the way, if you're a complete utter sicko wierdo (like Michael, not me, I swear, not me!) you can click here.

After having our appetites whetted by Tonya Harding porn, we went to dinner, (where we had home fried potato chips with blue cheese as an appetizer...very good) and I got a tour of Robin and Bryan's new home....a complete walk through by iPhone of the entire place, even the yard. It's only a matter of time that the iPhone replaces houses too, I'm sure.

After dinner, I followed Michael back to Lafayette. What else did I have to do, right?
After lunch we visited his father, his brother and sister in law, and their six children. Michael offered to send his brother some games for the IPhone. Everyone in Lafayette has an iPhone it seems. His brother declined the games. I'm guessing you don't have much time to play games on the phone when you have 6 children under 10. Go figure.

What they do need there is a contract from TLC. Seriously. They put those Gosselins in the shade.

Later we took a trip through one of Lafayette's posher neighborhoods listening to
Radio Polska Stacja Internetowe on the ubiquitous iPhone. The machine never ceases to amaze. How else would we drive through Cajun country listening to Polish disco? How did people deal in the past? The only word, however, I could understand was "EEtahloh DeeSco". Apparently Milli Vanilli is still popular in Warsaw, and is considered "Italo-disco" Who knew?

Then I drove home.

I had to stop three, count em three, times to pee. Leave it to me to drink a bottle of water and a large diet coke before getting on the road.

When iPhone creates an app to let you pee from your car, I'll get one.


Margaret said...

I'm most impressed by the proper spelling of the word, 'capitol' in referring to broke down Loueezi's State Cap, and in the constant flux state of disrepair.

Oh, yeah, boogar eaters. Why do they stick in our memories? Can't shake them loose. I have ones from 2nd grade of a guy who turned around, had a big boogie on his finger, and asked me, "What do I do with this?" and I said, "Go put it in the trashcan!" and then proceeded to watch him try to shake it off for minutes. Right before lunch.

jason said...
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Silly Monkey said...

I just hope Colleen McDermott never finds your blog. :)

Silly Monkey said...

There are 3432 fantasies about Tonya! Who knew?

Mean Dirty Pirate said...

So the I-phone the I-phone blah blah blah. Do they tell you it costs like a fortune every month? I’ll just stick with my two cans and a string for now. Oh yes and I really want a damn I-phone. It’s just the closest thing to the Jetsons yet.

The Mississippi State Capitol is a magnificent beaux arts marvel! It wasn’t always that way it used to have crap paneling and such from 70’s remodels. I had the privilege of touring it with the master decorator that restored it back when I was in college. Things like special allowances to recreate wrought iron that is toxic to make, glass blocks embedded in the floors to allow light through. Rotundas and gilders from Italy. All poly chromed goodies everywhere. It’s yummy.

bookclubnola said...
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jason said...

margaret: they stick in our memories because boogers stick everywhere.

sm: me too. And who knows, maybe there'll be 3433 soon.

mean dirty: ooo....yours is so much prettier than ours...but
I'm sure you hear that all the time.

normadesmond said...

you make LA sound exactly as i imagine it......

i drove through it, once, on my way to the other LA. i was alone, it was my first time driving across the country and i was scared to be in that state. i knew my massachusetts vanity plate screamed KILL ME NOW.

Ur-spo said...

oh go ahead, you can pee anyway !

Nick said...

During my junior year of high school I visited Baton Rouge with Frau Gertner the German teacher (I didn't take German) and our toupéed program director (who later resigned in disgrace for inventing his doctorate) to observe the LSU Lab School. I stayed with a delightfully upper middle class family and, looking back, probably wanted to bang their son. His mom and I got on like a house on fire. This was before Facebook or iPhones or certain important awakenings. Thanks for the memories!

FelixInHollywood said...

Everyone I know (except me) has an iphone. They are amazing. They can do everything but successfully complete one damn phone call! (thanks AT&T) It's totally common for me to have to redial my friends up to 5 times to finish one conversation.

That said, if Verizon ever manages to get them; I'm there.