Overheard

Yesterday, 2 pm:

"Hey, why dey call it 'Labor Day' anyhow?  You know?"

 (One of my students asks her friend... dead earnestly)

"I mean is it for women that be pregnant or something?"

 (I didn't hear her friend's answer. I just hope it included an eye roll)

grey porn

Today at the library, I had to wait for a little old lady with a sensible lesbian/nun haircut from the 1970s and off lavender Haband pants to get off the goddamned computerized card catalog thingie already, pleeeeease.
So I could use it.

I circled around a few times and came back.

Finally she was gone.
I got to the screen to see what she'd been so diligently looking for :

Yep.

Sadly for her, there were no copies...and the best they could seem to do was to point her to Roald Dahl's tales from Childhood.
Cruel, cruel fate.

Overheard today, 2 p.m.

"Thank you, baby. I gots to get me some air. It too hot in there, you know?"

(Tiny old black lady tells me at the thrift store today.
I'm holding open the door for her.  She's buttoning up a blouse at the exit. The saleslady is glaring.
The old lady has a beautiful set of teeth, a lanyard printed with "Jesus Loves You" around her neck... and 5 curly white whiskers on her chin)

 "You need fresh air when you 92 like me.  When you 92 like me, you need fresh air"

(I smile)

"You gotta be thankful for what you got and what you will get," 


me: "yep"

"When you 92 you gots to be thankful for what you get."

me: "yes, maam. You're right."

I help her down the stair.
She walks on slowly to the Dollar General....totally shop lifting that blouse.

Overheard 7 p.m

"No, I'm sear-ous. Kool aid is really good for you. My cousin tole me about it. All I know is I had a bladder infection a while back....and Kool aid, you know, it cleared it right up.
I sweartogawd."

(cashier at Big Lots to the skeptical woman buying water in front of me)

overheard 6 p.m.

Woman in front of me at Mcdonald's drive through:

"Yeah, I need three number ones."

Drive through cashier:

"What would you like to drink with that?"

"I want a sweet Tea, a diet coke and a Sprite."

"Will that complete your order?"

"Yeah...no, wait....I want no mynez on one of them number ones,
no cheese on one of them too....oh and no bandaids.

oh lawd...lissen to me....I mean no pickles." (giggles)

"Will that complete your order?"

"Oh, wait...yeah, can you put the one with the no mynez in the bag with the
Sprite, the one with the no pickles on it in the bag with the....Diet Coke and the one with the no cheese in the bag with the...with the...sweet tea?

Uh...please?"

"Thank you, drive up to the next window."

conversation, 8 p.m.

At the grocery store:

Me: "Excuse me, do you know where I'd find the Madeira?"

Clerk: "Madea?"

Overheard: 2:30 pm

Student: "Hey, you 'member Nyesha?"

Me: "Hmmm...you mean from like 10 years ago?"

Student: "Yeah. She my cousin."

Me: "Really? How's she doing?

Student: "She just got outta prison!
Oh, and she gone have another baby."

Me: "Well, then.
Tell her 'hi' for me."

overheard 6 pm

"That'll be one hundred and fourteen dollars and ninety nine cents, ma'am."

(Cashier to woman in front of me at Walgreen's)

"Oh, yeah, and dis."

(Woman places a Hubig's on top of her $114.99 pile of douche and tube socks.)

Good Will

This afternoon, at Goodwill, wondering if I should buy the black Ben Sherman hat without a price tag or not, I'm ambushed by my own personal stylist:
a tall, lanky, elderly black man, with bloodshot eyes, in baggy chinos, a snazzy blazer and a beautiful, new feathered fedora.




"Oooo, yeah, that there's a good hat. You could pimp that baby
up reeeeeeal nice. Lemme show you."

(he puts it on my head and manipulates it into a jaunty angle)

"Go look in the mirror. Yeeeeeeah, dat look nice. Now looka hyuh."

(brings me long brown leather coat, c. 1979, offers it to me.)

"Oh, and dese the shoes you be needin'"

(points to the ones in his cart, size 11 black and white spectator shoes).

"But I ain't lettin' you have dem. Nope. I gots to get some of the women for myself now, you know. "

(He laughs)

Overheard, Saturday

In patrician Southern drawl, one steely haired matron introduces herself to another (in the parlor of the above house):

"It's so nice to meet you. I live in the house where Jefferson Davis died,
you know."

(many thanks again to the eminently gracious and entertaining Nathan of Laurel Street for a wonderful tour of uptown this weekend)

overheard, 4:14 pm

"Yeah, good thing it happened since I been on here, or I wouldna even got this crap ass job.
I'm just amazed it took me 31 years before I got arrested, you know what I mean?

Sorry, we ain't got no more hotdogs."

("Alison", Target snack bar cashier - looking like a blonde Shrek with cystic acne scars and Bo Derek braids.)

Overheard, outside my door

Two of my coworkers, both friendly, well put together women:

"Did you meet Shyniece's brother the other day when he was in town?"

"Oh yeah, he's really nice, funny.
Of course he's doomed-to-eternal-damnation-for -his-homosexual-lifestyle and all, you know."
(entire phrase said as one word)

"Yeah."
(she sighs in agreement)

"What they havin' for lunch today, spaghetti, right?"

"ahem"
(me)

Suburban New Orleans: two haiku

In line, McDonalds,
dainty Vietnamese girl
on Iphone with friend:


"Shit, where y'all be at?
Bitches agga-vatin' me."
(violent teeth suck)

overheard: 8 pm (last night)

Guest to host:

"What they call that in Vietmuhnese? You know, that fruit? They white, and they serve it on a branch? Oh, and they be tastin' like cum? No, I mean it. I ain't shittin'! "

Vietnamese host:

"...."

Guest:

"I think they call it 'knock knock' or something like that? What they call that? I want to get some more."

Host:

"...."

Me: "uh...so. What's this we're watching again, Wall-e? Is it good...."

The 14 people you meet in hell gay groups

1. The high drama lesbian:

e.g.: 20 something. Dressed in husky boys' plaid shorts, flip flops.
Walking with a cane, post-drunk driving accident and brain surgery.
Product of Evangelical family from trailer park. Responds to all topics
with the same response: her three suicide attempts.

Quote: "So I was
like on the phone to my ex when I walked up in the room. There she was, my best
friend since I was like thirteen. Awn duh floor, dead. Bra pulled up over huh
head and firecrackers up in her ass...and dat's when I just started fallin'
out....you know?"

2. The Twelve stepper:

e.g.: 60 year old, Southern accent, Magnetic bracelets on both wrists. Magnets in his soles and in his bedsheets. Newly retired social worker, funny, but prone to having violent outbursts when flashing back to his coke days.

Quote: "Sheesh, as many times I passed out driving, I ought to be dead."

3. The Rice queen:

e.g: Tom Bosley look-alike with a hearing aid that looks like it has an erection.

Quote: (pick up line to an Asian) "So,
you're Asian. Oooo...you better watch out, I love them Asians!"

4. The Adorable lesbian couple:

e.g.: A. 60 something former nun/nurse. B. 50 something comedienne with 23 year old son.

Quote: "We're having a potluck. You should come!"

5. The Gay male couple (who look like twins):

e.g.: A. 40ish, with goatee, dressed in Banana Republic. B. 40ish, with goatee, dressed in Banana Republic.

Quote: "Seven years ago, can you believe it? Match.com." (in unison)

6. The Gay male couple (who do not look like twins):

e.g.: A. soft spoken retired elementary school teacher, tall and skinny.
B. soft spoken church organist, short and pudgy.

Quote: "Oh, dear. I just hope Lula isn't clawing the doors again. We just had them refinished. Cherry wood."

7. The Lesbian academic:

e.g.: 60 something, steel gray hair, Sierra Club t-shirt, recently laid off philosophy professor.

Quote: "Oh, actually, I was raised a Quaker..."

8. The Musclehead:

e.g.: 30 something, shaved head, burned to a crisp, squeezed into an Old Navy polo. Twelve Stepper is convinced he's an addict who is casing the joint.

Quote: "...."

9. The New Age stereotype:

e.g.: 50 something lesbian, big bottomed, flowy Chicos blouse, men's black slip on loafers. Art and "drum" "therapist." Nods in affirmation at everything. No discernible sense of humor. Living breathing Saturday Night Live sketch.

Quote: [re: SF) "Oh, that's where my ex is. She won't return my calls. I don't understand. I'm going out there to burn a sage stick this summer to bring some clarity to the situation, you know?"

10. The Teenager:

e.g.: 18ish, tall, skinny, bangs covering his face. Bored. Texting furiously.
Quote: Couldn't read his texts. Sorry.

11. The Asshole:

e.g.: tall, goodlooking, cocky, challenges everything, whether it needs challenging or not.

Quote:"Um...that wasn't the question, man."

12. The Black quy:

e.g.:40 something straight acting, looks like a Walmart manager. Doesn't talk much.

Quote: "Yeah, today's been hot."

13. The Snarky One in back

e.g.: quiet, but snarky, (me) with a stupid crush on The Asshole.

Quote: "oh, really....that's so interesting..."

14. The Queen:

e.g.: 30 something, overweight, very tan, Abercrombie and Fitch shirt. Very friendly. Flamingly gay. Has a 10 year old daughter. Queens always have 10 year old daughters.

Quote: "Girl, did you hear her? Bitch told that same tired suicide story
three times already. Lawd."

Five random things seen today (but not photographed)

Airline Highway, noon:
Aileen Wuornos doppleganger: bleached denim, bleachedier hair and dazzling white hightops leading her john (30 something black male still in a fluorescent orange highway construction vest) to her room.

Goodwill, 1:00 pm:
A pair of unopened Dior earmuffs.
(Unrelatedly, why are the wigs always behind the counter with a copy of Whitney Houston's second to newest cd, a rhinestone tiara and a pristine box of Iman relaxer, in "cherrywood"? I suppose the cashiers know what shoplifters want.)

Red White and Blue, 1:45, Salvation Army, 2:00 pm
Husband and wife from "La Iglesia de la Profecia de Dios de los Profetas" (I paraphrase). Him: ordinary Hispanic man, 30. Her: petite, pretty 25 or so year old hispanic woman, dressed in a long navy Amish-esque gown, to her feet, with a ruffle....a crocheted doily perched atop her long wavy hair.

Carrollton Ave, 2:30 pm:
A young man in rolled jeans crossing traffic to get to the Camellia Grill, carrying an open Tupperware container of water with a 10 inch long alligator struggling to free itself.

My street, 5:00 pm:
Black girl riding bike in baby blue prom dress and 1950s crinoline...second time this week.

four things seen today (and not photographed)

1. The same two young Mexican men I'd seen last year at Sam's: one cholo-like, the other with bobbed hair, in women's jeans, named, "Manuel." Manuel had dutifully filled up an extra large fountain coke for his man. They shared a straw, pushing out a cart filled to the brim with raw pork: chops, loin, sausage. Today, however, they were quietly shopping the discount shoes at Marhsalls.

2. A tattooed midget hipster, all of four feet, dressed like a lumberjack in plaid and rolled jeans, walking down Airline Dr.

3. An Arab family having dinner at The Texas Roadhouse. The father, one of the ugliest men I've ever seen: huge, pockmarked, unibrow....was dead silent.
His wife, clearly two decades younger, was equally quiet, but dark eyed and pretty, dressed in a black hijab, drinking sweet tea and eating a fried onion blossom. Their three sons, loudly played video games at the table, messily eating buffalo chicken wings, each dressed your standard Redneck camouflage ensemble.

4. A sixty something black man, tall and slender....an albino...striding across Tulane Ave., dressed in a burgundy polyester suit---an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful sight.

dining out

Every now and then I find myself at dinner with a friend of a friend, whom I've met maybe five or six times. He's young and good looking. He seems to live in a candy colored vortex of alcohol and drama. Listening to him is endlessly entertaining and exhausting.

Anyway, here are some quotes from tonight's dinner. Sadly (?), I know it's all the truth.

1. "'I have a son your age,' one of them tells me. She was kinda hot for an old chick.
"Oh, reeeally? Hmmm?' I say."

On what happened to him after the last time I'd seen him. Three married women in their 40s, having a girls' night out at the next table offer him and his friend a ride after dinner. They ended up at the Hustler Club.

2. "Brandon lost, but it didn't really count. I mean really. He's a stripper anyway, so what's the point?"

On playing strip pool.

3. "Her mom was all like: 'Why don't you two date? You're always introducing her to different stuff! She needs to get her mind expanded like that' I was all like: 'You just don't even know.'"

Friend's mom to him after bringing back leftover pho.

4. "They all say if you say 'no homo' before you do it, it doesn't count as gay. Or maybe that's after. I don't know. You know, like: 'hey, let's fist! No homo'. And then it's not gay. Something like that."

On the conversation at a party of his roommate's army friends.

5. "He's out of Juvie now! It's gonna be hot."

In reference to a question about his 17 year old ex.

6. "You should come! Two dollar shots, man...they even bring 'em to you in the hot tub. I spent 95 dollars last Wednesday. I was fuuuucked up."

7. "Oh, no, it's not that organized,"

Answered in response to my, "Gee, how does that work? Do you play spin the bottle or something?" Asked in response to his recounting of the four girls and two boys he'd had sex with the night before.

8. " Uh...well, I've been to Chik-Fil-A three times this month,"

Answered by me, in response to his question "What's new?" Sadly, this pretty sums me up.

overheard 4:15 pm

Two boys, 12 or so, one roly poly, one slender, both in uniform.

"Oooo...lawd, I'm so dizzy I can't even feel my feet!"

Getting off a carnival ride, the roly polier one announces to his friend, clutching (phantom) pearls, fanning himself, like a 50 year old church lady.

twelve things learned in the past 48 hours

1. Nothing is cuter than a group of nuns...in habits...at an sidewalk cafe...at night...eating croissants...playing with a puppy.

2. There's never a camera when needed.

3. "Smushed" is a "Jersey shore verb" which is also a Westbank verb, but then many are.

4. I have a New Orleans accent (ahem)

5. The Banana Republic model who catches your eye while gayly prancing out of his Land Rover at Whole Foods will surprisingly (?) retrieve one of a set of twins from his homely wife and proceed to prance to the cheese counter, with her lumbering behind him.

6. I have two gray eyebrow hairs.

7. Missourians pronounce it "Missouruh" in the northern part of the state. Brad Pitt is from Missouruh.

8. I don't care.

9. Nicholas Cage, in real life, is small and thin and looks "like Phyllis Diller".

10. I really want to see Phyllis Diller.

11. Blood oranges aren't worth the extra price.

12. How ridiculously fun it is to read lines with Tallulah Bankhead.