May 5, 2010

Yenta-ring


It's been my experience that the golden rule gets you nothing but trouble.
I guess that's its nature.

Anyway, the other day, operating under the golden rule boredom , I
thought to myself, "why should I waste the remainder of my match.com membership?"
God knows it's only brought me heartache. Why not use it to help mankind?

I have a friend, we'll call him, oh, Maria. He's tall and attractive and smart and something of a gay divorcee. He's also kind of down on himself. I mean like really.

You know how you meet people in the world who show you the worst aspects of yourself? Yeah, like that.

He can throw a pity party that'll make mine look like a white trash wedding reception.
His are catered events.

He's constantly complaining about not having a man, but never ever doing anything about it. Nada.

So, after reading a particularly self pitying email, I decided to do some searching for some prospects in his hometown, knowing full well what he likes. I couldn't believe his tales. He lives in one of the biggest cities on the continent ferchristsakes.
I sent the links to him.
No pressure.
I even offered to write to anyone he liked and talk him up, get a contact email on his behalf if he'd like.
(though I knew this was unlikely)

Well, of course, those of you who are not clueless, (unlike me) already know this didn't go over too well.
Not that he was mad really, just completely ignored the whole subject and went on to complain yet more.

I figured he'd at least see that he's living in a vibrant major metropolitan city and that there were any number of men there.
Anyway, it didn't work.

What makes it worse is that I know I've bitten the bullet more than once and actually gone on a date with someone he had once rounded up for me, a 60 something man with a decorated cane and a decorated lisp, who came complete with a chainsmoking, jittery, meth addicted transgendered sidekick...who worked part-time at a wig store.
I'm not even lying.

I pleasantly sat through two and a half hours of painful small talk(actually the sidekick was pretty entertaining) without complaint, well, ok, maybe a little complaint, but still.

That's the only kind of set ups I get offered.
And don't even get me started on the pedophile priest.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I could listen to your stories for days. More about the chainsmoking meth-head sidekick, even if you have to make it up after all this time.

Michael Guy said...

You are the Mother Teresa of the dateless and unloved. What's the expression? 'No good deed goes unpunished'...sorta comes to mind. If you've got Patti Stanger legs in heels...well, that's another matter.

Margaret said...

J, I am thinking that your best bet for casual dating would be to find someone from the Blue Plate My-naize Dynasty that has pockets lined with cash, wide mouth jars and large spoons and preferably no living parents or tag-a-long footmen.

normadesmond said...

oh my!

madtexter ☺☺☺☺☺☺ (corey james) said...

I did the match.com thing years ago and it's incredible how many frogs are out there who totally misrepresent themselves. One guy I agreed to meet (in a very public setting, mind you), showed up and he was in his late 50's (I was 33 at the time).

He started talking about how he had a restraining order against his stalker ex-wife and how his teenage daughter was so eager to meet me. Yeah, right?

And he kept talking about how he has two houses and blah, blah, blah about his $$. And all the while he kept moving closer and closer to me on the bench we were sitting on until have my arse was hanging off the bench. He was all touchy-feeling and it was icky. I mean, I never even met him before, and thinks I'm a sure thing. What a doof!

I went home and blocked his email and had no further contact with him. Creepy.

ricola said...

I'm tempted to say stop listening, but I know that is not what I'd do and have a sneaky feeling nor would you.

FelixInHollywood said...

Darling,

Dear Maria is already involved in a (apparently) very fulfilling relationship.

She fallen head over heals into a relationship with bitching and wining about not having a relationship.

MJ said...

Did you at least get a discount on your wig?

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

what 60 something?!
I'm dateless as well, we are in the same 'love boat'! Happy Friday Jason, dateless or not!
xo

Salty Miss Jill said...

Some people are happiest being miserable. You're a good friend for trying, you know. :)

xoSMJ