May 26, 2010

The 14 people you meet in hell gay groups

1. The high drama lesbian:

e.g.: 20 something. Dressed in husky boys' plaid shorts, flip flops.
Walking with a cane, post-drunk driving accident and brain surgery.
Product of Evangelical family from trailer park. Responds to all topics
with the same response: her three suicide attempts.

Quote: "So I was
like on the phone to my ex when I walked up in the room. There she was, my best
friend since I was like thirteen. Awn duh floor, dead. Bra pulled up over huh
head and firecrackers up in her ass...and dat's when I just started fallin' know?"

2. The Twelve stepper:

e.g.: 60 year old, Southern accent, Magnetic bracelets on both wrists. Magnets in his soles and in his bedsheets. Newly retired social worker, funny, but prone to having violent outbursts when flashing back to his coke days.

Quote: "Sheesh, as many times I passed out driving, I ought to be dead."

3. The Rice queen:

e.g: Tom Bosley look-alike with a hearing aid that looks like it has an erection.

Quote: (pick up line to an Asian) "So,
you're Asian. better watch out, I love them Asians!"

4. The Adorable lesbian couple:

e.g.: A. 60 something former nun/nurse. B. 50 something comedienne with 23 year old son.

Quote: "We're having a potluck. You should come!"

5. The Gay male couple (who look like twins):

e.g.: A. 40ish, with goatee, dressed in Banana Republic. B. 40ish, with goatee, dressed in Banana Republic.

Quote: "Seven years ago, can you believe it?" (in unison)

6. The Gay male couple (who do not look like twins):

e.g.: A. soft spoken retired elementary school teacher, tall and skinny.
B. soft spoken church organist, short and pudgy.

Quote: "Oh, dear. I just hope Lula isn't clawing the doors again. We just had them refinished. Cherry wood."

7. The Lesbian academic:

e.g.: 60 something, steel gray hair, Sierra Club t-shirt, recently laid off philosophy professor.

Quote: "Oh, actually, I was raised a Quaker..."

8. The Musclehead:

e.g.: 30 something, shaved head, burned to a crisp, squeezed into an Old Navy polo. Twelve Stepper is convinced he's an addict who is casing the joint.

Quote: "...."

9. The New Age stereotype:

e.g.: 50 something lesbian, big bottomed, flowy Chicos blouse, men's black slip on loafers. Art and "drum" "therapist." Nods in affirmation at everything. No discernible sense of humor. Living breathing Saturday Night Live sketch.

Quote: [re: SF) "Oh, that's where my ex is. She won't return my calls. I don't understand. I'm going out there to burn a sage stick this summer to bring some clarity to the situation, you know?"

10. The Teenager:

e.g.: 18ish, tall, skinny, bangs covering his face. Bored. Texting furiously.
Quote: Couldn't read his texts. Sorry.

11. The Asshole:

e.g.: tall, goodlooking, cocky, challenges everything, whether it needs challenging or not.

Quote:"Um...that wasn't the question, man."

12. The Black quy:

e.g.:40 something straight acting, looks like a Walmart manager. Doesn't talk much.

Quote: "Yeah, today's been hot."

13. The Snarky One in back

e.g.: quiet, but snarky, (me) with a stupid crush on The Asshole.

Quote: "oh, really....that's so interesting..."

14. The Queen:

e.g.: 30 something, overweight, very tan, Abercrombie and Fitch shirt. Very friendly. Flamingly gay. Has a 10 year old daughter. Queens always have 10 year old daughters.

Quote: "Girl, did you hear her? Bitch told that same tired suicide story
three times already. Lawd."


ricola said...

Everyone loves an asshole.

Marshall said...

I have met every one of those types over time - most of them at a LGBT Book Club Meeting. (The ONE that I went to.)

Very funny post!

savannah said...

when was this party, sugar? ;~D xoxoxo

govtdrone said...

That is why I stay home.

MJ said...

Spare me from the potluck lesbians. I used to live in a building full of them.

But I love my gay male couple (who look like twins) even though they are a Gay male couple (who look like twins).

normadesmond said...

and that one drop of uniqueness i thought i had? well, you just squashed it under your heel and now i'll just jump off a bridge, thank you!

Jill said...

You can find number 11 here:

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

Love it Jason~Whahaha!
I know a few rice queens in town...quite sticky I must say~

ayem8y said...

13. The Snarky One in back

e.g.: quiet, but snarky, (me) with a stupid crush on The Asshole.

Quote: "oh, really....that's so interesting..."

Make that Two Snarkies in the back

e.g.: plotting, manipulative, evil.

I’ll help you get the Asshole if you help me get the Musclehead!

For Asshole:

Quote: “Sorry could you repeat the question...My friend doesn’t speak asshole?”

For Musclehead:

Quote: “My, My, My, What big thighs you have...Could you squeeze the air out of that asshole over there and drag him to the backroom for some fourplay.?”


David Toms said...

We are all secretly wondering which one all or friends see us as. (I Hope)

Stephen said...

Terrifically funny & just a little more than true... just in time for Gay Pride Season. I might have added the Bear/Fairey hybrid: The Beary

Ask the Cool Cookie said...

But dear, you left out:

1) The Piglet Lesbian Couple - Much like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, these two women are insecure. They also apologize for everything, whether or not they did anything to effect an out. "Oh, you lost your great grandmother in the Holocaust? I am so very sorry that happened to you," and then begins to weep on your behalf.

2) The Perfection 12 Stepper - This guy has a dynamite body, killer looks and can't hold onto a man to save his life because he has two topics of conversation that obsess over. Topic a) is about his drug issues, which are lengthy. Topic b) are your drug issues, even if all you take is an asperin a day, he's obsessed with the fact that you may lead him down the path right back to Special K and Meth.

3) The newly OUT gay man. Never mind that he's been out of the closet for years, for him, coming out is a daily event - just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. That, and everything he sees, does or suspects about other is gay Gay GAY.

4) The grabby old queer. You know this man - over sexed and over Geritoled. "I don't feel a day over 60!" he claims. But his roving hand, transuscent skin, dotted with age spots, acts as if its attached to Helen Keller and insists on exploring your body looking for a more initmate conversation than you are willing to conduct.

JUSTIN said...

Everything about this post is perfect. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

HA! Great post. And I soooo want my own pink armored tank. KA-BOOM! *fairy dust powder everywhere*

Hollywood forever, Kevin said...

Oh Jason, Thank you for the laugh this morning. I just a fight with my asshole muscle head husband and I needed to smile. All the best!

FelixInHollywood said...

By George, you've nailed it!

Anonymous said...

I am not sure I got this. Must be the language barrier. What is a gay group? Is it when gay people are together? Or is something like an A.A. group?

If it is this last one it is beyond my understanding.

[post scriptum- why do North American people are so keen on those sort of groups? ]

Dean Grey said...


I wonder which category I fall under.


Jill said...

This was one of your best posts...evah!!