The 14 people you meet in hell gay groups

1. The high drama lesbian:

e.g.: 20 something. Dressed in husky boys' plaid shorts, flip flops.
Walking with a cane, post-drunk driving accident and brain surgery.
Product of Evangelical family from trailer park. Responds to all topics
with the same response: her three suicide attempts.

Quote: "So I was
like on the phone to my ex when I walked up in the room. There she was, my best
friend since I was like thirteen. Awn duh floor, dead. Bra pulled up over huh
head and firecrackers up in her ass...and dat's when I just started fallin'
out....you know?"

2. The Twelve stepper:

e.g.: 60 year old, Southern accent, Magnetic bracelets on both wrists. Magnets in his soles and in his bedsheets. Newly retired social worker, funny, but prone to having violent outbursts when flashing back to his coke days.

Quote: "Sheesh, as many times I passed out driving, I ought to be dead."

3. The Rice queen:

e.g: Tom Bosley look-alike with a hearing aid that looks like it has an erection.

Quote: (pick up line to an Asian) "So,
you're Asian. Oooo...you better watch out, I love them Asians!"

4. The Adorable lesbian couple:

e.g.: A. 60 something former nun/nurse. B. 50 something comedienne with 23 year old son.

Quote: "We're having a potluck. You should come!"

5. The Gay male couple (who look like twins):

e.g.: A. 40ish, with goatee, dressed in Banana Republic. B. 40ish, with goatee, dressed in Banana Republic.

Quote: "Seven years ago, can you believe it? Match.com." (in unison)

6. The Gay male couple (who do not look like twins):

e.g.: A. soft spoken retired elementary school teacher, tall and skinny.
B. soft spoken church organist, short and pudgy.

Quote: "Oh, dear. I just hope Lula isn't clawing the doors again. We just had them refinished. Cherry wood."

7. The Lesbian academic:

e.g.: 60 something, steel gray hair, Sierra Club t-shirt, recently laid off philosophy professor.

Quote: "Oh, actually, I was raised a Quaker..."

8. The Musclehead:

e.g.: 30 something, shaved head, burned to a crisp, squeezed into an Old Navy polo. Twelve Stepper is convinced he's an addict who is casing the joint.

Quote: "...."

9. The New Age stereotype:

e.g.: 50 something lesbian, big bottomed, flowy Chicos blouse, men's black slip on loafers. Art and "drum" "therapist." Nods in affirmation at everything. No discernible sense of humor. Living breathing Saturday Night Live sketch.

Quote: [re: SF) "Oh, that's where my ex is. She won't return my calls. I don't understand. I'm going out there to burn a sage stick this summer to bring some clarity to the situation, you know?"

10. The Teenager:

e.g.: 18ish, tall, skinny, bangs covering his face. Bored. Texting furiously.
Quote: Couldn't read his texts. Sorry.

11. The Asshole:

e.g.: tall, goodlooking, cocky, challenges everything, whether it needs challenging or not.

Quote:"Um...that wasn't the question, man."

12. The Black quy:

e.g.:40 something straight acting, looks like a Walmart manager. Doesn't talk much.

Quote: "Yeah, today's been hot."

13. The Snarky One in back

e.g.: quiet, but snarky, (me) with a stupid crush on The Asshole.

Quote: "oh, really....that's so interesting..."

14. The Queen:

e.g.: 30 something, overweight, very tan, Abercrombie and Fitch shirt. Very friendly. Flamingly gay. Has a 10 year old daughter. Queens always have 10 year old daughters.

Quote: "Girl, did you hear her? Bitch told that same tired suicide story
three times already. Lawd."