May 16, 2010

the tea party birthday

So last night went was guilted into a birthday party for a former coworker, a 50 year old who wears plastic barrettes and lives with her parents in her childhood bedroom...with a guinea pig and an elderly poodle with a gimp leg.

She's a fervent teapartier who has a shrine to Ronald Reagan above the guinea pig cage and campaigned earnestly twice for Bush...and once for Palin. Now she campaigns for...uh... teabaggery.

But you knew that instinctively, right?

Her younger sister, 42 with the IQ of a 11 year old boy, catered the affair. She's actually a good cook, but likes to give all the dishes gross out names (artichoke balls = witches' warts) and announces everything with a snort.

The biggest fun of the night came from Dad's mumbled anti-Semitic "jokes" and the guinea pig shitting the floor compulsively.
Fun times.


savannah said...

it's really true, sugar, y'all can't make up shit like this! the south is truly a gift to literature. xoxoxo

ricola said...

Good lord. This was in uptown wasn't it. Bless their hearts.

FelixInHollywood said...

Don't tell me, let me guess: The image you showed was on a t-shirt worn by your ex-coworker. And it was flocked.

Margaret said...

And after dinner in the living room...

[ Lisa and Todd sit at the piano for a duet of "Heart & Soul" ]

Lisa Loopner: Todd, you came in too soon!

[ they start over ]

Lisa Loopner: No, you came in too soon again, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: [ sarcastically ] Oh, big deal.. we'll start again, that's all..

Lisa Loopner: Todd, do it right!

[ they start again, as the doorbell rings numerous times ]

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on should be here- [ finally hears the doorbell ] Oh! [ answers door to Mr. Brighton ]

Mr. Brighton: Hello. My, you're looking pretty today, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!

Todd LaBounta: Pretty? Yeah, I think she looks pretty - bad! [ laughs ]

Lisa Loopner: Shut up, Pizza Face!

Mr. Brighton: Uh.. who's your funny boyfriend, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Ohh.. this is Todd LaBounta - but he's not my boyfriend! He's a boy, and he's a friend - but he's certainly not my boyfriend!

Mr. Brighton: Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Todd. Do you take piano lessons?

Todd LaBounta: No. I play by ear! [ drops his head over the piano and bangs the keys with his ear ]

Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, that's so funny I forgot to laugh.

Mr. Brighton: Todd, do you think there's someplace you can go so Lisa and I won't be disturbed by your presence?

Todd LaBounta: Well, excu-u-u-u-use me! I'll just sit right here, and you won't hear a peep out of me. [ silent for a couple of seconds, then.. ] Pee-ee-eep!

Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, Todd..

Mr. Brighton: Your friend Todd is a bit of a nerd, isn't he?

Lisa Loopner: Yes, he is.

Mr. Brighton: Oh.. well, let's do the scales we practiced yesterday, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Alright. [ plays her scales ]

Mr. Brighton: That's very good, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you. [ plays scales again, hits a wrong note ]

Todd LaBounta: [ honks like a pig ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Todd, cut it out! Mother!!

Mrs. Loopner: [ slowly enters ] What is it, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Well, Todd is bothering us!

Mrs. Loopner: [ approaches Todd ] Todd? Why don't you come out in the kitchen and help me set the table?

Todd LaBounta: Okay, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ exits living room ]

Ur-spo said...

well you make it sound fun !

MJ said...

Shades of Baby Jane.

normadesmond said...

some people are just too lucky.

Michael Guy said...

You have the beginnings of a Broadway hit: 'The Gay Gardens' works for me...

Who you callin' housewife? said...

Jason, if I'm having a shitty day I come here. Then, I laugh until I snort. Or I just feel better by comparison. Today, its the latter. Thanks!! Well, actually, I laughed until I snorted too. Now, I'm going to cleanse the images from my brain.

Nope, I can still see that shitting guinea pig.

Thombeau said...

Oh, Jason...

Jill said...

You made that up!