Mar 5, 2010

a fairy tale

The other day I found myself being asked to recount a funny dating anecdote to a friend of a friend. I'm always good for one of those.
The next thing I knew I was recounting one from a while back which left me completely flummoxed mindfucked . My audience laughed, and so did I. It is ridiculous after all, but every now and then the old wounds of rejection flare up again, like lately.

It all happened when in the pique of loneliness and rejection I responded to an sans photo, but with an intriguing enough profile.

There were flirty volleys back and forth, but never a photo from him. He had the advantage(?) of seeing mine, however.

Anyway, after a few phone calls we made plans to meet. I was (stupidly) excited. I'm not sure why.

He had planned for us to go to dinner, and asked if I'd drive. He had a fear of driving. I said, "sure."

He asked what I drank, and I, not knowing what to say (see, I really do need a "signature drink") said rum and coke, which is, after all, maybe my default drink.

I got to his lovely house, rang the bell. Despite the fact that I've been on all too many such dates, I found myself nervous.

The door opened and a reasonably attractive average man, near my age opened the door with a smile. He thrust a rum and coke into my hands suddenly...and the small talk commenced. He led me on a tour of his lovely house. He dropped names of celebrity clients, showed off his art.

He gave me an apple.

He'd teasingly asked me on the phone before we'd met if a student had ever given me an apple before. I'd said no.

We sat on his couch, he sat next to me, touching my leg, flattering me, making slight sexual innuendos. Suddenly his phone rang. He ignored it. We chatted more. It rang again and he answered.
"Hi, yes. Um, yes. No. Yes...........yes."
He folded the phone up and forced a fake smile.
"Where was I?" He resumed, patently fakely jovial.

"Is everything ok?" I asked.
"Oh, yeah. That was just my sister. My father's died."

"Oh my God...I'm so sorry..!" I exclaimed. "Are you all right...."
"Oh...sure." He forced a smile...and shifted the subject awkwardly back to the decor. He went on a while, and then asked earnestly, with a pat to my leg:
"You don't mind if we don't have dinner, do you? I have to make plans to get a flight out for the weekend."
Of course I understood. Who wouldn't?
I thanked him for the drink. I put it in the sink. He remarked on my "good manners."
"I'll call you Monday. I should be home by then after the funeral. We'll have dinner then."
"Sure," I said. I picked up my apple and he walked me to the door. He reaffirmed that we'd have dinner the next week when he got home, and gave me a friendly kiss.
I took my apple and walked back to my car, got in and drove off, confused.

Later that weekend I noticed that he had gone nowhere and was prowling

Of course he never contacted me again.
Clearly his dead father friend calling to see if he needed an way out from the date had preoccupied him.

This, I'm sure, is no surprise to anyone here, obvious from the start of the story.
One day I hope it'll be obvious to me before I begin the story too...but I doubt it.

Anyway, I put the apple in the refrigerator and forgot about it...and him.

A month or so later I found it, still quite fresh. I put it in a bag and walked out to the park and ceremoniously threw it in a pond.
The damned thing floated.
I walked away, dejectedly feeling like a fool.

Hopefully eventually it returned to the earth, and found itself doing something some good.


Anonymous said...

i wanna punch that guy in your story!!

BrooksNYC said...

I wanna punch that guy in the crotch!

Jill said...

What a dick! I tiny diseased good-for-nothing dick, I'm sure!

I would have thrown the apple thru his sissy afraid of driving window!

Anonymous said...

I would've returned the apple by setting it on his door step, but not before I spread dog shit all over it and stuck a steak knife in it.

I believe daft people just need an unmistakable visual aide.

Margaret said...

Pomme du Terror! He probably did have a wormy dick! Sneaky Eve-like snake!

No more blind ad dates for you! Just the regular neurotic fix ups and drunken orgies.

FelixInHollywood said...

"This, I'm sure, is no surprise to anyone here, obvious from the start of the story."

Well just call me 'Nancy Naive', 'cause I never saw it coming. But then, I never date either.

Anonymous said...

Loved it! I must use that apple trick myself.

[As for your revenge: send him a big basket of Mangosteen - a rare quite expensive Asian fruit with a thank you note saying the following:« Thank you for your time and the wonderful apple you offered me. Please do accept my Mangosteen's basket. But do be careful, they tend to leave a bitter after taste.»]

ayem8y said...

You’re so overdue for Prince Charming with all of the dating horrors.

You absolutely did the right thing in being polite and mannered and leaving graciously with no retaliation. If you had retaliated it would have come back on you. It’s dating KARMA and believe me it came back to him in spades. If he goes to the trouble of creating an elaborate escape then imagine what it must be like living with him on a daily basis.

For future reference if the guy doesn’t meet with your approval just slam the door in his face or kindly tell him this isn’t going to work. On the other side of the door, say I’m sorry I must have the wrong address because I was expecting someone completely different as you look nothing like your picture. do you people stand it?