Jul 28, 2009

16 things learned while in Florida



1. I'm apparently a freak for not flossing every night.

2. Dried dates taste a little like caramel.

3. Kelly Ripa is frightening.

4. Mean Dirty Pirate is shirking his truck stop hooking responsibilities. He's probably moved on to one of the better motels and upped his price.

5. If one watches 48 straight hours of "The Golden Girls", one will not go insane. Well, completely. One might hallucinate at 5 am and see Dorothy at the foot of one's bed with a cheesecake and a knife, however.

6. I snore.

7. In a pinch, one can fashion a makeshift ice chest out of a frozen margarita bucket and some ice.

8. The sight of (female) breasts will make the beach-chair boys bend almost any rule. It's better than money.

9. There's never a camera when the Ralph Lauren Outlet mall men's fitting room attendant with a truly impressive shelf like ass turns around you need it.

10. I can do math (sometimes).

11. "All you can eat seafood buffet" is rarely a good idea.

12. Wearing a hat and an opaque layer of SPF 50 sunscreen does not prevent one from getting a burned nose.

13. No other part of one's body will tan, no matter how exposed.

14. According to GPS, the nearest drive thru daiquiri shop in Florida is in New Orleans. Should have figured.

15. Never buy Walmart frozen pizza.

16. When driving home, immediately upon entering Louisiana, it will rain. Immediately upon entering New Orleans, one must detour because of a murder scene.

8 comments:

Miss Janey said...

Miss J loves a vacation where one can play AND learn an important life lesson or three.

ayem8y said...

Jason, Jason, Jason, I was on the road headed towards New Orleans for your birthday topless telegram. I couldn’t find you but your mother seemed to like it. At least I think she did...she fed me...well she threw tomatoes at me and told me to get off her stoop.

A word of advice...Sunblock 2000...and never go into the Florida sun between 11:00 AM - 1:00 PM. That’s when the suns rays are most lethal. All of my summer guests have perished from skin cancer.

Fabulastic said...

I will comment on the dry dates. Try them fried with bacon as hors-d'ouevres. It is the only elegant thing one can do with bacon...

I am simply mad about dates. It is the second best thing about Morocco.

Ur-spo said...

good knowledge, all of it.

Frontier Psychiatrist said...

9. Alas!

11. When I used to drive home from school, I'd pass a restaurant in West Virginia with a huge sign advertising "Fresh Seafood!" An all you can eat seafood buffet in Flordia seems like a better idea, if only slightly.

15. This sounds like a challenge.

Silly Monkey said...

1. Yeah, that's the only thing that makes you a freak. ;)

8. What did Debbie do?

9. Oh, so that's why you guys wanted to go shopping instead of waverunning! Now I understand.

16. LOL! Of course!

TJB said...

Jason - I love your travelogues. And don't fret about not having your camera; the security video of you and that Ralph Lauren outlet salespouf in the dressing room is making the XTube rounds as I type.

ayem8y - Just don't wind up like Jaynie on the road to New Orleans. You give good head, sweetums; don't leave it on the curb.

Jill said...

Great list...and I've taken advantage of of #8 more times than I can count.