Today I had lunch with an old friend. I had hoped it would be just the two of us, but of course, it wasn't. She showed up with one of her two boyfriends, you know, the one she doesn't have sex with, whose father was in the Hitler Youth. Yeah, that one.
While there, she filled me in on the news:
Suicidal pedophile priest friend number 1 is now on twitter, it seems, and insisting that she does too. She refuses to. I don't blame her. I mean really, would you want to see what he twits?
Pedophile priest friend number 2 (the one she infamously tried to set me up on a date with once) is now living in my neighborhood, currently defrocked and working as a lawyer. Doesn't this sound like a perfect plot for a horror film?
Former student of hers was booked in a recent "execution-style triple murder." brutally killing a 19 year old woman, a 23 month old baby, a 6 year old child and wounding an 11 year old. "His grandmother was just as nice as could be," she tells me. "But I think he was a crack baby or something."
Gay ex-husband is now on facebook. She refuses to facebook too. Again, I can't blame her. He's found his first love there, a formerly 400 pound woman who's whittled her way down to 200. "Your weight doesn't bother me," she tells me he told the poor woman. "Of course it doesn't!" she exclaims to me. "He's gay!"
He's clearly leading her to heartbreak, my friend says, but along the way there, he'll be taking a five day cruise to the Caribbean (paid for by the lovelorn, of course) and getting any number of lavish gifts. Cha ching.
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