Apr 13, 2009

ten random emotions felt IKEA

It's so big!

(Out of frame, sharing the same parking lot, is the Texas-Steak-All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet [I paraphrase]...clearly for the Swedish visitors. No meatballs for them, thank you.)

Watching as a hispanic blonde in stacked high heels maneuvers her way through the bathroom accessories. Later on, she and her equally blonde friend attempt to maneuver their SUV out of the parking lot, also in stacked high heels.

So many couches (tables, lamps, curtains) but no way to get them home.
I wanted this one in patent black leather, to go with my...umm...Camaro.

The Swedish Meatballs looked more durable than the couches


I fondled the cowhides at least twice. I was tempted at least twice, but resisted. One needs a loft for a cowhide, I decided.

a bit of Pytti Panna (see left) floating in the toilet I skipped over.


My sole purchase: a bag. No cowhide.
No animals were harmed by my visit, unless one counts the Pytti Panna.

"Can I buy a drink here?" I ask the cashier. "Sure," he answers. I pay him. He gives me the change. I wait awkwardly as he sorts money. "Can I have a cup?"
"Sure. Glasses are up there," he says, never looking up. Finding them, I excitedly get some Lingonberry soda, find it's suspiciously like Cranberry cocktail.

Ranch dressing in a pump! (the photo above is only an approximation. IKEA is working on its own ranch dressing fountain, I'm sure. I can't wait)

The friendly but intimidating sign on the table tells me why it's so wonderful and Swedish for me to clean up my own table. I try. I walk through the cafe, but I can't find anywhere to place my glass. I place it where I want.

"Pipi?" I hear a voice ask from the doorway of the men's bathroom. "Uh, yeah," the guy in the stall next to me fearfully answers. Suddenly, despite his answer, the men's room is ambushed. Through the crack in the stall door I can see a middle aged Mexican woman frantically cleaning. All at once, like an acrobat, she leaps up and stands on the vanity, cleaning the mirrors. The scent of some Swedish version of Fabuloso fills the air.


"Just David!" said...

I'm pissed, I paid some guapo $350 for my cowhide, it came right off the back of a truck. Only in Texas would IKEA sell cowhides. Sorry to have missed you, maybe next time. Surely Houston has more to offer than a concert and IKEA. Ha! And I may get to NOLA soon, I need a fix of the old hometown.

"Just David!" said...

Oh, and I live in a loft so the cowhide is OK!

govtdrone said...

Jason: You know, if we had a Ikea in Louisiana it would end up in Metairie and I would have to fight some Metairie Barbie for the last parking space.

MJ said...

It's so big!
How many times have you had the opportunity to say that?

mrpeenee said...


Thank you for not illustrating the Pytti Panna potty.

Silly Monkey said...

Pipi? Was this some foreign woman asking if anyone was doing peepee? I love that she just came in and started cleaning with you guys in there.

I no longer feel the need to see an IKEA now. You gave me a good idea of what it's like. :)

"Tommy" said...

I am glad you arrived at the store.

Now...why didn't you buy something.

Beside a bag. No glasses, no cocktail napkins!!!

Jim said...

If I'm eating at Ikea I always order the Vallhalla special Oh sure, they call it the "Viking", but we all know that ten if their meatballs us going to kill and all Vikings wind up in Vallhalla.

Another fun thing to do is count the gay couples. I never win at this game because I get too distracted with shopping.

Oh crap, I just realized I must go to Ikea quite a lot.

Frontier Psychiatrist said...

1. That sofa is fab.

2. The cowhide rug is also fab. I don't think you need a loft. Just a floor.

Ur-spo said...

did you encounter the aliens from outer space?
or were they out that day?

C said...

I love Ikea!

Michael Guy said...

Bitch, you shoulda' popped for that cowhide! So now. So au courant. So dead cow walking.

I want a 'zebra' stenciled cow hide. You'd think I was asking for the moon.

IKEA makes me want to start over. And tired, too, as they're always as big as two football fields to amble around in.

Salty Miss Jill said...

Love this post!
I have never eaten at IKEA...but I did just use a cheese slicer purchased from these for my dinner.