May 27, 2008

I'm always learning.

I spent Saturday in a friend's pool, drinking vodka, playing ball with the 7 year old son of a heroin addict.

By dusk, after the children had left, I was cornered by a former Olympic synchronized swimmer (in nothing but his briefs, because he had forgotten his swim trunks on the counter at home). He was hot, I mean J.C. Penney-catalog-model hot.
He was exictedly telling me about his childhood Thanksgiving dinners.

Seems his father was a doctor somewhere in New England. Every year, after they'd finished eating, he told me, the kids would be sent off to gather up the young cats from the yard. The cats would be injected with drugs. The kids would be left to play with the drugged cats until they were comatose (the cats, I think, not the kids)
Then they'd clear off the dinner table, and his father would tie their tubes, right there on the dining room table(again, the cats', I think).

He and his much less attractive boyfriend came by with their (presumably spayed) very frisky puppy, who promptly peed in the pool.

The boyfriend told me all about the Navy and the three Mormon "heavens." Like 9 tenths of every gay man I've ever met, he'd been raised a Mormon. Seems if you're gay and Mormon, you'll be going to a lower level "heaven," a bit less bright than the upper and midrange heavens that straight Mormons get to go to, as he explained. I'm guessing it's probably flourescent lighting there.
The straight dead Mormons can visit you in the lower heaven, but you as a homo can't go up. (There's a joke in there that I'm too proud {lazy} to make. Ha.)

I also learned from the host's best friend, that coffee grounds will get rid of cellulite. She was later found passed out in front of the bathroom door. I found my empty bottle of vodka nearby.


Frontier Psychiatrist said...

I'm trying to pick a favorite part of this post, but can't.

I will say I doubt J.C. Penney catalog models forget their swimsuits at home. They "forget" them and coincidentally wear their best underwear.

The Other Andrew said...

I covet your life. Really.

thombeau said...


Michael Guy said...

Well, yes, all well and good. But what was for dessert?

Christopher said...

Why can't I have weekends like this?!

I am a little disappointed at no pics of the hottie!...tsk tsk!

Colleen said...

Um, 1) I hope we can hang out at some point. I promise to wear more than tighty-whiteys.
2) I bet the lower levels of heaven get a much cooler crowd anyway. Upper level? NERDS.

Miss Janey said...

Hmm... Interesting weekend, Jason.

MIss Janey thought she disliked Thanksgiving... at least she didn't have to watch kitty neutering.

At least puppy only peed, eh?

MIss J would really lie to know more about the coffee grounds cellulite treatment. Does one rub them around one's dimpled buttocks or slather them on and wait for tehm to dry?

jason said...

I hope so too, Colleen. That'd be cool. Maybe we can pretend to be in the lower reaches of the Mormon heaven and make fun of the nerds in the upper reaches.

And Miss J. I do believe one is supposed to rub the coffee grinds on the cellulite....and ta da, it's gone! Or maybe it's by way of enema? not sure. Let me know how that works.

mrpeenee said...

I think you make a paste of the grounds and fill in the cellulite with it sort of like spackle. And it's organic.