Nov 21, 2014

Night is still half gone...

I can only imagine what those poor souls who stumble upon this site must think about it here...
posts that vacillate wildly from cheesy pictures to whiny posts (like this one).

I'm surprised no one gets whiplash.
 Come to think of it, I suppose that's what the innards of my mind look like too. 
Scary thought.

Ok, so I'm sad. Well, maybe more lonely than sad. Yeah, I know, I'd be tired of my bitching about it by now too.

Actually, when I look at it objectively, it's strange, my loneliness, seeing as I'm pretty damned good at being alone, if I say so myself....certainly better than most people I know. I mean, I am an only child after all, and except for a few shining years or so, I've been single my entire life.  Being alone is second nature to me. It's been my life. I dine alone, go to movies alone, clean alone, live alone, sleep alone.  And despite this post, I do a pretty good job of hiding my loneliness when it rears its ugly head.

But recently it seems like my little world has imploded.

The death of my best friend, my only single gay male friend in the city left, sometimes hits me hard in the most unexpected ways.  Like now. Like the holidays.  And now that I am all-too single again, I'm feeling it all the more acutely.

When I mentally go down the list of friends and former friends, it reads something like this:
"busy with partner", "busy with work", "found jesus", "busy with spouse", "moved", "moved and busy with partner", "busy with not-me". "dead".
Not to mention, the whole tenuous network of acquaintances I had with my ex (21 mutual, by facebook's estimation) has now dissolved like a phantom.  Like it never really existed at all.
In re-reading this I realize this sounds overly harsh of me, overly critical of the friends I have. I am truly grateful for them, I really am. I love them all dearly, but, well, that doesn't seem to keep me from feeling lonely.

But never let it be said that I don't try.
A few weeks ago, in a pique of desperation, after yet another failed attempt to schedule dinner with a friend ("Sorry, hun, I can't make it. How about in a few months?"), I found myself on Craigslist.
It'd be easier to find a hitman there than a friend.  But I tried anyway.

I posted a very platonic ad seeking a gal pal.  I mean, again, not to brag, I think I'd make some gal a pretty good gay pal.
A week or so later a girl answered, she seemed cool. We chatted a while....mostly one sided: me asking her questions, her responding. We made plans to meet.  She suggested we meet at a club in the quarter...late on a Wednesday night.  I apologized and said I couldn't stay out that late on a school night, and asked if she'd like to have dinner on the weekend.  She had to work that weekend, but agreed to dinner sometime in the future, and then she disappeared, clearly bored by my stick-in-the mudness.  Turns out I was not the Will to her Grace she had in her mind. I'm dull.

Sometimes, I wonder if the window of opportunity has passed me by for making new friends, you know,
 like it has for having sex... or wearing skinny jeans.

So here I am in the middle of a sleepless night, listening to church bells, bitching into the ether about my pathetic life...again.....bringing me back, ironically, full circle to the origins of this sad little blog.


The Cool Cookie said...

That you can write these things is a great gift. Many people simply hold them in. Remember, their is a difference between being "alone" and being "lonely". And I am hurting that you are hurting, becuase I understand that feeling. The husband and I are alone in Baltimore. We have tried to make friends, and it is next to impossible. If something, God forbid, happened to him, I would be adrift, and no one here would throw me a life preserver. I'd head back to Ohio.

Can I suggest two things, for you. First, have you talked to a qualified professional about these feelings? And secondly, have you made the effort to join a social group, like the gay bowling league? They help.

Why not hop a plan on a weekend and come to Baltimore? I'll feed you crab and Rocky and Kevin will love you. Cookie

Tomass Hawkke said...

We are bombarded with the 'rules' for happiness, the 'criteria' for a meaningful life.

Your dreams may be just beyond your fingertips, your hopes and expectations not quite fulfilled, but that does not make your life 'pathetic.'

That you can write so movingly of your aloneness exemplifies the depth and richness of your character.

Reality is not the grinning goons of mass marketing, it is your own special struggles and triumphs. Whether happy or sad, or somewhere in between, you are good.

normadesmond said...

there's a lot happening here.

it wouldn't be a bad idea to find someone that you can talk to. (i suppose your post is just that).

honestly, from all the little snippets of information that i've learned about you, i know you're an exceptional man. again, i'm being honest; i've wished we lived closer. your sense of humor, your take on the world, your turn of a phrase- very smart. sharp. wicked. great.

i don't visit that many blogs & many i view as a bit of a chore, but not this one. i always love it here.

i wish i could make the bleakness vanish for you, just as i wish i could make mine go bye-bye. i too am often lonely, even though i'm not alone. my best & closest are long dead, never to be duplicated.

tina turner sings a song, "keep on walkin' don't look back"....i know you're too fabulous to say uncle.

ayeM8y said...

I suppose growing up in a large family has left me with a feeling of always being surrounded by people. I never feel alone even when I am alone.

It's funny the things we want are the things we can't have. I want to be alone and you don't.

Why is it that loneliness lurks in largely populated cities?

Peenee should be a welcome addition to your knitting circle. I bet he can whip up a few friendly possibilities. If not the next time I am there I'm meeting up with my old friend Donna (agent 99) who lives in Kenner. She's looking for friends in the area.

Hope your spirits are lifted soon. Just putting it out there is a great step.

Anonymous Jason Fan said...

Hi, Jason -

I've enjoyed your blog for a long time, and you seem like a person worth getting to know. I'm in the New Orleans area and would be glad to buy you a cup of coffee sometime over the holiday season as a friend and admirer (who's not a creeper or stalker, I promise).

If this sounds OK (with no strings attached on either side), let me know here and we can figure out a way to have an hour's worth of nice conversation. Genuine offer; I'd enjoy that.

Salty Miss Jill said...

Gurl! I was where you were for the past 10 years (more or less...including looking for friends on craigslist) until I got plum fed up. Get your ass up to NYC some weekend let me (along with the alterna-bears who comprise the majority of my social circle) show you the time of your life.
Hang in there, honey. Let me know what I can do.

Anonymous said...

Lawdy, I'd love a gay pal who doesn't want me to stay up late on week nights. Who is wicked and tender and real. Come to Sydney!

This isn't a pathetic little blog at all. There's a terrible pressure in what's left of blogland to make it all happy and bright. The sunny side up on the airbrushed versions of our lives. That's why I no longer read many blogs. There are a few which are real. This is one of them. Me sitting here and feeling connected to you from halfway across the world probably doesn't make you feel less lonely, but I am anyway. I'm very sorry your friend has died; I can't imagine what that's like though I do know that the loss of a friend, however it happens, always strikes deeper than most of us expect. I'm not in the place that you're in at the moment, but I have been often. We all have if we're honest. I wish you patience and fortitude and some happy surprises.I send you warmth. Pamela.

Anonymous said...

hey darlin

you speak the truth

lotta other folks feel that way too

it'll get better some, by and by

Anonymous said...

Oh NormaDesmond does it again. Perfect words and I wish I had written them.

I think you're hilarious and I wish you lived in Chicago, or would at least come visit. I know we'd set this town ablaze! Oh Molly whatever her name was would have nothing on us.

Anyway. Thanks.


Diane said...

Oh honey, we should get together stat!!! I know we're not in the same city, but we're close . . . and Peenee will attest (dammit, he better!) that I'm a very good gal pal.

Unknown said...

hiya! I agree with all these other cool peoples--but at the moment that may not help

i love this blog-the randomness is what i love about it most. i was so sad when your friend died, just like i was when r-man died, and i don't know either of you personally.

also, i'm in the south, so i have to recommend church/flea markets for finding people to hang out with (on second thought, maybe find the people first then go to flea markets--peenee seems to have a good thing going). does the library do anything neat?

last, i live in the early-to-bed-school's-tomorrow zone, too, and so do a lot of normal/neat/interesting people i know, none of whom routinely put words together as well as you do (definitely none of whom find such amazing wonders at the library!) don't let the late-to-bedders get you down!

Jon DeepBlue said...

I've struggled with those same feelings for so many years. I managed to snap out of it, sort of (long story).

Whenever I'm alone I want to be with people and whenever I'm with people, I want to be alone. A classic dilemma.

Although I'd like to be surrounded with lots of great people, I came to understand that I am mostly an introverted and that I enjoye being by myself.

And you're not being a bore, you'r being honest. There are no good or bad feelings. All feelings and emotions are legitimate. The question is what are we going to do with it.

Perhaps we are both ready for this.


mrpeenee said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry to hear about this. No jokes, no snark, just empathy.

Fred and I will be in two Dec 2 - 9. Top of our list: "Eat shrimp." But just below that is "Bother Jason."

Ur-spo said...

I am getting caught up on my blog reads...
I want to join in with wishing you company and a better state of being in the new year.
hang in there

jason said...

Thank you all.
Sincerely. I feel like such a drama queen when the urge for catharsis hits me.
I always feel guilty afterward and compelled to delete.
I'm grateful and humbled by your kindness.

And "Anonymous Jason Fan", of course it'd be great to have a coffee sometime.
Just email me, if you'd like.

normadesmond said...

if you can't be a drama queen
on your own blog, then what
is this fucking world coming to?

Andrea said...

Yet another reason I will now curse not being home in NOLA. If I was there, I would SO BE THERE. I'm looking you up next time I'm in town too. MMMKaaayyy.

Anonymous said...

There are a handful of blogs I check daily. Doing Hard Time in Shaker Heights is among them, as is yours.
I've noticed that my life swings from one thing to another. I was married, had a child, separated and divorced, she took the child ofcourse and most of the money and antiques. I met and fell in love with my first male partner, he left frankly because he thought he could do better somewhere else with or without me. That was a deep and sorrowful blow. Then came the alone times. As someone else noted, there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. During the alone time I did some things that were dangerous and foolhardy and not proper for a *AHEM* gentleman of my years. Fate must have wanted me there to help and stand by my mother during her decline. That took the sting out of being abandoned and it kept me busy. I also wanted to be a better example for my son. I struggled and occasionally still struggle at being one. Anywho, one thing I did as Mom was dying was think long and hard about where I was needed most. I have experience with aging family members. At 24 I became responsible for my Grandmother because no one else could or would. I regret nothing except that she died. I loved her so very much. I turned the experience into an amazing exhilerating volunteer experience at a local Veteran's Adm Hospital. I did it every week-end. Now it's every other week-end. That's because I met someone after years of being alone. We recently bought a house and in spite of my *AHEM* advancing years and painful joints, I try do something everyday. I just said to him that it will be a long time before we can say that we're bored and there's nothing to do. No sooner those word were out of my mouth he committed us to buy the contents of an older neighbor's woodshed. I could have killed him as we carried over wooden tool boxes, skis, wooden advertising crates, tools, axes. Like I said, it'll be a long time. At the end he asked me whether I'll pay him 1/2 now or take it off his share of future expenses. he's such a romantic.
What I'm trying to say to you is that everything is transitory. Things change, sometimes instantaneously, sometimes so subtly we don't perceive it until the change is made and we have that moment of "AHA". In the meantime, organizations are crying for people like you to help them. There's direct service like I do at the VA. The options are rehab facilities, VA hospitals and residences, nursing homes, hospices, hospitals etc. My partner and husbear, since it became legal here in PA, is an educator, too. I know you cannot be "on" 24 hours/day. Also, there are soup kitchens, shelters etc. that desperately need you. But, you have to be tough, and I think you are. You will see things and experience things that will make you cry, and that's OK, but it's best not to let them see you cry, old man, don't let them see you cry. And if you cry, you will know you are alive and human and full of emotion and empathy and that because you cry, you care and that my friend makes all the difference. Well, I have to get going because I have to figure out where I'm going to get the $88.00 I owe Jason for the garage full of crap...Oh, Did I mention that I'll have to go through, clean up, repair and decide what to do with all of it? Yeah, he's funny that way, but I love him.

jason said...

thank you for that, Carl.

ilduce said...

Oh Jason, I wish I could give you a big hug. Look at all the friends you have on here. But I know it's not the same as having someone in person to do things with. I think Cookies advice might be worth heeding.

I agree with Cookies advice. I tried a gay bowling league myself back in the day. It didn't work out but my next attempt(joining a gym) opened up a whole new world of friends to me. It's worth a try.

Mistress Maddie said...

Oh Jason, it breaks my heart to hear this. I love you sense of humor and your blog, and I can only echo what has been said. I have the feeling we could get into lots of trouble!!!!! It does get better. I too was there once. Just hang in there. And Norma is just the greatest isn't she??? When she comments, it always makes my day and she always provides a much needed chuckle!!!! And as someone said we are all sort of friends. I couldn't imagine not ever seeing my blogger pals!!!!! Love- Maddie