Jul 31, 2010

just a few of the celebrity sightings...

tonight at happy hour:
Rick James (in Beyonce's old weave), Karen Carpenter (doing drag) and Charles Manson (at video poker).


Jul 29, 2010

just cause

So Michael gave me a mix tape of new songs when he was here, and this band(Holy Ghost!)is one of my favorites.




mail call

Just opened my mailbox to find this lovely post birthday surprise, from my friend V.






Thankfully, she'd also sent a big wiener earlier.

martinis at matinee



Yesterday Carlos and I went to see a matinee of Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work.

Yes, that makes the third time I've seen it. I'm sorry. It happens. He hadn't seen it before.

While there, two young matrons were chatting it up behind us, feet up on the ottoman, downing glass after glass after glass of white wine.

I wasn't that distracted, you know, having already memorized the movie....I could do Melissa River's Valley girl whine by heart now....but poor Carlos was.

Throughout the movie he gave them the evil side eye...and every now and then I did the same, but more sheepishly.

And, then, bingo, suddenly two martinis appeared for us.
Nice.

Even more suddenly, the less drunk one was behind our seat...whispering in our ears, apologizing for her friend, whom she blamed for being the loud one.

After the movie ended they clearly wanted to chat. We learned that the drunker one was the wife of the theater owner. There was an invitation for more drinks with them at the bar afterward.
We...um...politely declined.

I told Carlos they were like cougars...but not quite. Ocelots perhaps? I don't know.

They weren't after young lovers so much as prowling for a more dangerous, elusive prey, the gays. Yesterday we were able to herd ourselves safely away from the watering hole. Next time, however, we might not be so lucky.

Jul 28, 2010

Still life




post birthday, taken on my way home.

Jul 25, 2010

Four things seen this morning

1. A fully naked man (except for shoes and brown socks) upstairs at Lafitte's. Michael, Vincent and I clearly must have walked right past him. All three of us must have brushed up against his ass on the way to the bar, but not a one of us noticed until we were about to leave. None of us.
He was casually chatting with some girls.
Vincent: "There's a naked man there."
Me: "Oh, you're right. He is."

2. Dashing older man in the middle of the bar drunkenly trying to button up a crisp striped dress shirt and fumbling to tie a tie....over an ascot. Or was that a tourniquet? Hard to tell.
The tie ended up being about a foot too short.



3. Not so dashing older man dressing in the street, barely managing to put on his shirt before falling into The Clover Grill.



4. A tranny hooker and her hunky young bodyguard(?)(dressed in a harness). Imagine Dr. Zira in a leather mini skirt so short you could see her balls. Dr. Zira was
directing traffic, waving her fan, and taking photos with tourists in the middle of St. Ann St. But you knew that already, right?

the miracle of the internet



The other day I was thinking about the bathroom wallpaper in my childhood house.


What? You mean you don't?

Anyway, it's long been ripped down...by me in fact...sometime in the early 90s when I deemed it "hideous," and my mother obliged. She kind of let me dictate the decor then, forced me in fact. The bathroom was remodeled blandly enough to make "Designed to Sell" proud. I'm talking beige on beige on stainless.

But back when we first moved there....I was maybe five or so...it had been the wallpaper that had charmed me. Yes, even at five I had an opinion on wallpaper....and my parents were listening. Amazing.

This new house was so different from the one in which I'd been born, a stark, lower grade, mid century modern white box, plain white walls, no moulding, clerestory windows. Clearly past its prime.


The new house, however, had Williamsburg-ish details....with a very vaguely 1970s Spanish hacienda-ish exterior. Bizarre, but exciting after having been trapped in the not-so-new frontier.

So, the other night, on a whim (jesus, I was bored) I decided to see if I could find the pattern on the Internet....and don't you know it....within a few minutes here it was.
The Internet really is a miracle.

As a kid, I used to stay in there for hours sometimes (shut up), avoiding going to school...savoring the solitude, looking at those birds, giving them names, pairing them up as lovebirds, imagining little lives for them.
Now, thanks to the miracle of the internet I still can!
See those two on the bottom right? They totally hate each other, but they've stopped pecking at each other's eyeballs for a minute, and joined in their hate of the bird just out of the frame, the one who thinks she's all that, with her extra long tail feathers.
That bitch.


Laugh all you want, but it's more rewarding than looking up people on Facebook, right?
This wallpaper probably has more personality than most of my highschool classmates anyway. Hell, I'd rather read its status updates any day over theirs.

Jul 24, 2010

Thought (s) for the (birth) day.



1.First off, thank you all for the birthday wishes!

2.Secondly, thank you just as much for your insight and comments below. I mean that sincerely.
I don't know what's gotten into me, lately. I'm already kind of prone to pity parties, but this one was a doozy. It's crazy. I'm thankfully coming out of it a bit. It did help to post that, even though I figured I shouldn't. It's something I think about all the time, but never really talk about, and that makes it all the worse.

3.Thirdly, ahem...the theme of this year seems to be public humiliation. Tonight some friends of mine invited me out for drinks and karaoke. They had a stated mission of "getting me drunk", since I'm rarely drunk. I usually have high tolerance for liquor. Anyway I won't go into the horrible details, but let's just say it wasn't pretty. I'm totally mortified...and still a bit drunk now. Oh, and I didn't make it to karaoke. Anyway, I'm planning to be hung over the rest of my birthday, but what the hell right?

Jul 20, 2010

my biography


I got my birthday present to myself in the mail today, four days early. I used a gift card I'd gotten three years ago to buy it. It was so worn from being in my wallet all that time I could barely see the number.

Lemme tell you, the past few years decades have left me feeling rejected and battered and pretty low in the self esteem department, I have to admit.
I'm struggling to keep my spirits up, and making some headway, but I'm on the cusp of my annual pre-birthday depression, I'm afraid.

So I turn to books...it's what I do. Unfortunately, this book seems to be a wash. I don't know what I was hoping for from it....maybe some practical advice, at least some "microwave recipes for one!" or "21 exciting new versions of Old Maid!" or something.
But nope.

Its thesis seems to be that "Being gay and single is not a crime," and "There is a Conspiracy" (to make us want to be in relationships). I think that's actually one of the chapter titles. Is wanting a relationship a crime...or maybe a pipe dream by this point? Maybe it is. I'm trying to reconcile myself to my fate and love myself and all that stuff. I really am.

Anyway, it seems like most gay people I know are either in relationships, or quite happy to not be in relationships, either celibate or happily, swingingly single. I envy all three groups.
Seriously.

I wish I could make myself like that. I've tried. You'd think I wouldn't desire something I've never had so much. I dunno. My mother trained me to be a really good husband, what can I say?
Anyway, I figure the book cost me nothing, so what could it hurt.

Hell, I even have 25 cents left on the card, since I bought it used. Who knows, maybe it worked for the last owner...and he's now living happily ever after with his 20 cats.

just cause


So it's 12:30 on a Tuesday morning, and I'm wandering the dark corridors of youtube
hunting down terrible things like this.
Clearly, I need help.
Anywyay, this youtube comment is dead on:

"The most phallic hairstyle in history."

Jul 19, 2010

fq

The other day, wasting time to see a movie, I walked into the quarter for an hour or so and took some pictures. I like to pretend to be a tourist sometimes....get some beads, put on a fanny pack. I'm trying to master my Japanese accent to make the illusion complete.

Anyway, I filed them under "FQ" and, while there, noticed a few others that had been languishing there forever. The last two are by my friend Jason, (who's a professional) a while back. These are two I asked him for, since I didn't have a camera then.
Anyway in the interest of summer cleaning, I thought I'd post them.
Just turn the heat up to 110, get a humidifier and a backed up toilet and you can imagine you're in New Orleans too!




The Window at Central Grocery

Ceres
Andrew J. battling the evil British invaders


From the parking garage






Gal playing the banjo. I love this picture.

Hipsters in a rickshaw...with a chicken. (you can't see the chicken in this shot. sorry, but it was a live hen, not a box of Popeyes. )

Jul 17, 2010

Exception

I tried sooooo hard today to pay attention to Inception...I really did...but I just couldn't.
I think I'm too stupid for plots.

I'm sure it's as wonderful a movie as I keep reading it is. I'm sure it's all very byzantine and clever, but I'm easily confused. I get a migraine just doing sudoku.
Maybe there's a CliffsNotes I could read?

Thankfully there were cute men to distract me. I mean, you can keep Mr. DiCaprio thankyouverymuch, but the adorable Joseph Gordon-Something-I-can-never-remember and Ken Watanabe were nice. But it still couldn't get my interest, no matter how hard I tried.

This (below), however, got my attention every time he showed up on the screen.
Yes indeed.

His name is Tom Hardy, it seems, and I've seen him in a few other films. I knew he looked familiar.



So thanks to Tom there I didn't fall asleep in the theater and have a dream-within-a-dream- within-a-dream and have someone steal my dreams and Marion Cotillard didn't show up to kill everyone and what have you.
So thanks again, Tom.

Howcha do?



She's 93 today.
Love her! She's my favorite Republican.

When's the movie about her coming out? That's what I want to know.
This (above) is something I'd found a few years ago and posted. It's the opening to her failed sitcom, a sort of Beverly Hillbillies retread, it looks like. And look, it's the Biltmore house...two national treasures in one clip.

Anyway, I've oddly been thinking about her lately, like last night....and now it's her birthday. Freaky.

Last night I saw Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work again. I think I liked it better the second time. Anyway, it was really good (despite the irritation of hearing Melissa's whiney Valley girl voice.) I loved Joan, even when it's not been cool.

The first time I saw it I was seated next to a married couple, upper class uptowny types in their 70s, whose conversation went something like this:

"When are Lauren and Jawn supposed tuh be comin' back from Paris, then?"
"Next week. Hand me the popcawn, Daddy"
"All right, hee-uh. You want anything else, Mothuh?"
"No thank you."

(Mothuh and Daddy talked their way through the whole movie. Amazing. It was like listening to an episode of "The Claibornes of St. Charles Ave.")

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, back to my point...in the movie, Joan expresses admiration for Phyllis, of course. How could she not?

Oh, and by the way, just try to get that "Pruitts of Southampton" theme song out of your head. Good luck.

Jul 16, 2010

How to have style (for the ladies)


1. Keep things light and breezy....in your conversation and in your crotch


2. Tease your hair, before it teases you.


3. Coordinate with your partner, and your couch.

4. Draw attention to your best features


5. Animal prints are a classic.




6. Don't be afraid to be sexy.

Jul 15, 2010

just cause


some great Canadian (?) disco

chronological complaining



Noon: Waited 2 hours at the DMV....to get a new license...which makes me look like I have a mullet (ok, more bragging there than bitching.)

1:00 pm to 2:00 pm : Lost a hubcap....somewhere between Target #1 and Target #2.

Noon: Drove out to the suburbs to see a showing of Inception listed for 12:01: "Oh, no, baby, that's at midnight, hon."

12:30 pm: Fell flat on my face in McDonald's trying to pick up 5 pennies to put in Ronald McDonald's tip jar.
The floor tasted better than the hamburger.

12:40 pm: Spontaneous nosebleed in McDonald's bathroom. Left with pockets trailing toilet paper after what looked like my period.

6:00 pm: Walked into a restaurant full of gays with bits of toilet paper all over my face. No one informed me of this until 30 minutes into the meal. I'd desperately used it to mop the sweat off of my face after a walk in the 20,000 degree heat.










Jul 14, 2010

thought for the day



happy bastille day, vive la france, ooh la la, pie a la mode, etc.

via

Jul 13, 2010

a plague of parrots

As you can see, the condo in which we stayed was very summery. Nothing screams "Summer fun" like blood red walls and iron crucifixes, right?
Making it even more festive was a jungle of dusty fake foliage, swarming with monkeys, parrots and turtles (?).



Magic Eye Curtains in the living room. If you stare at it long enough you can see Satan riding one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse....and a unicorn.



Reading material in the master suite, decoratively propped between two monkey-reading-a book bookends. Note the Walmart stickers.


Stain on master bed. I'm thinking someone got a bit too excited reading The Preacher's Wife and had an "accident".


One of the three blenders corpses. We killed two in two days. R.I.P.


Turtle on a swing. Hanging over toilet. Imagine walking in to this at 4 am

More turtles, a veritable tower of turtles. I gave up counting the turtles and monkeys. The birds (28) and mirrors (14), however, I did.

Growth on wall.


Monkey playing piano while his brothers read Lonestar Cinderella. I wonder what he's playing?



Decapitated parrots in kitchen. Four of the 28 birds in the condo. Twenty nine if you count the towel swan.

Jul 12, 2010

parlor games

One of the many games played this weekend at the beach was improvised genius-ly by Marshall.
He seemed to come up with it out of nowhere. He ought to market it somehow.
His rules were thus: Each person writes a list of 10 celebrities (dead or alive) he or she would like "to have sex with." Put each name on a separate slip of paper. Then each person pulls a name and reads it to the audience. Each person guesses the person to whom the celebrity belongs. Whoever guesses the most wins. Someone has to man the computer to google the unfamiliar. There are inevitably the unfamiliar, but that's the best part.
Oh, and it helps to be drinking pina coladas in Styrofoam coffee cups.
That's the other best part.

It's actually surprisingly hard to make such a list. I mean what if you make a mistake?

Say, suddenly one night you find yourself face to...um...face...with Hugh Jackman. He's all ready to have hot dirty sex with you.....you look down at your list but you've forgotten to write his name.
Um..awk-ward.

Anyway, after much deliberation, for number one I listed Marlon Brando:

Can you believe no one else put him down? I couldn't. I mean really, come on people!


Some were so patently mine (i.e. good old Tom here)
as to be like the center square of bingo. Not much fun, but hey, you gotta be honest, right?





The same was true with all of us. If you know people well enough you know their pet celebrities.
The more interesting were the ones you'd never known.

Just to keep things lively I put two porn stars: (the adorable Colby Keller,



and the just plain hot Arpad Miklos). By the reaction, you'd have thought I was the only one who watches porn.
Sheesh.
So sue me.

The rest of my list I can't quite much remember. Maybe it was the "pina co-lattes", as Julie named them. Ewan, was in there, that much I know....but the rest are a blur. I may need to keep updating my list, screw my resume.

Anyway, this is just a long excuse to post some gratuitous pictures and ask you all to try. Which ten celebrities would you pick?

See, it ain't that easy.


Thanks to the ever fabulous Fabulastic at
queer the pitch for this wonderful new header!

Jul 7, 2010

focus on the beauty

Tomorrow we (Marshall, Carlos, Jason, Julie, Debbie, Brandon and I) will be headed out to the snow white (?) sands of Florida.




Do you have those kinds of friends who are always taking pictures of you and then posting them for everyone to see? I'm sure you do.
A few years ago on one such trip, Jason took a photo of me in the pool. He liked my hat or something. Can you imagine? I think I've had nightmares involving that exact scenario.

Anyway, thanks to the miracle of cropping, no one needs to be subjected to that horror.
(yeah, that's me in the bottom corner. alas)

Instead, you get to be treated to something much better:

I don't think Jason even noticed that he'd also gotten a photo of this guy. Umm...I did.

If I remember correctly, there was a heated discussion (ok, on my part) in the pool as to whether he was "that way" or not, within, oh, 10 feet of his feet. I'd had a few daiquiris, what the hell.

Anyway, he could have bathed his manly feet in any of the three pools there, thank you very much, why ours? A consensus was never quite reached on the matter. But the gal he was with was really kinda ugly clearly not his girlfriend, if you know what I mean.

Anyway I figure the picture's a reminder that, oil slick or no oil slick, there's always something fun to do at the beach, right?

guess who!




Ok, ok so it tells you straight out (get it, get it? ahem)
but still!

Thanks to Sam for the lead.

thought for the day



via

Jul 5, 2010

adventures in iPhoning

This past weekend, having nothing better to do, I decided to take Michael up on his suggestion of a short road trip to our state's capital, scintillating Baton Rouge. I, one of the huddled iPhone-less masses, got a glimpse into the future. And the future is in iPhone.

It sure ain't in Louisiana.



I met up with him at the chief attraction of the city, The Mall of Louisiana (pictured above...ha.) He had driven in from Lafayette. We met up with his friend Todd, who lives there. The three of us had lunch at some very collegiate place near LSU where the entire crowd seemed fixated on the World Cup.

Michael used his iPhone "Vuvuzela app" (tm) to make some noise. Really, one day the iPhone will replace everything. It needs to replace the state capitol right now probably.

Not quite knowing what to do in Baton Rouge, we ended up at the Louisiana State Capitol. It seemed the patriotic thing to do....or something like that, right?

We all went up to the top. Michael asked me to take his picture up there with his miraculous iPhone. Todd and I refused to have our photos taken. He took them anyway.

None of us had been there (the state capitol) since grade school. I fondly remember an hour long trip on a greyhound when I was in 4th grade where I watched Colleen McDermott eat three successive boogers.
It was very educational.

I'm sure it was the first tall building I'd ever been in then. It is a beautiful building, beautiful art deco, at least the lobby and the chambers are, but Bobby Jindal or Edwin Edwards or whoever the hell our governor is nowadays really needs to do something about the embarrassing state of disrepair the rest of the place is in. I mean seriously, cardboard on the elevator floors? Is this state that brokedown? Never mind.

All in all, the place was rather disappointing. They've even covered the bullet holes from Huey Long's assassination with a big ugly case of Long memorabalia...zzzzzzzzz....what memorabilia is more interesting than a bullet hole??
Anyway, the case didn't prevent us from seeking them out and putting our fingers in them.


More interesting than the Capitol's interior was its parking lot. As we were leaving, I noticed a woman with a bouquet standing in behind a white truck. I half thought she was going to place it on Huey Long's tomb. Someone had already decorated it with a bouquet of red white and blue for the fourth. But then I noticed a bride (her daughter?) in the back of the truck, sitting uncomfortably in her gown.

"Hey, there's a gun in the truck," Michael notices.

Uh....we then left.

I couldn't invent a more perfect tableau to represent our fair state than this if I tried.


Later, still not knowing what to do, we took a trip to see Mike the Tiger, the sainted mascot of LSU. I'd never been. There was a tiger sleeping in the heat.
Very anticlimactic. Still, there were twice as many people there than at the capitol.

Again, this ought to tell you pretty much everything you'd ever need to know about this state.

We went back to Todd's house, where somehow or another ok, ok, so I suggested he do it Michael gave dramatic readings of Tonya Harding fan fiction porn from his IPhone. Yes, I'm afraid, you read that right.

There's no IPhone app for that....yet. I'm working on it.

I suggested we three each submit an entry. I haven't quite fleshed out my submission, but I know it would feature this sentence:
"Slowly she slid down her tight acid washed spandex ... even her glorious pubic bush was bleached blonde and crimped, with shellacked bangs...."


I still need to work on it a bit, but I'll get there.
oh, by the way, if you're a complete utter sicko wierdo (like Michael, not me, I swear, not me!) you can click here.

After having our appetites whetted by Tonya Harding porn, we went to dinner, (where we had home fried potato chips with blue cheese as an appetizer...very good) and I got a tour of Robin and Bryan's new home....a complete walk through by iPhone of the entire place, even the yard. It's only a matter of time that the iPhone replaces houses too, I'm sure.

After dinner, I followed Michael back to Lafayette. What else did I have to do, right?
After lunch we visited his father, his brother and sister in law, and their six children. Michael offered to send his brother some games for the IPhone. Everyone in Lafayette has an iPhone it seems. His brother declined the games. I'm guessing you don't have much time to play games on the phone when you have 6 children under 10. Go figure.

What they do need there is a contract from TLC. Seriously. They put those Gosselins in the shade.

Later we took a trip through one of Lafayette's posher neighborhoods listening to
Radio Polska Stacja Internetowe on the ubiquitous iPhone. The machine never ceases to amaze. How else would we drive through Cajun country listening to Polish disco? How did people deal in the past? The only word, however, I could understand was "EEtahloh DeeSco". Apparently Milli Vanilli is still popular in Warsaw, and is considered "Italo-disco" Who knew?

Then I drove home.

I had to stop three, count em three, times to pee. Leave it to me to drink a bottle of water and a large diet coke before getting on the road.

When iPhone creates an app to let you pee from your car, I'll get one.